Don't grow old
Girl, you don't know what old is. "It's a shame today's gay men feel old at 30. I met my husband at 30 and because of it felt giddy like a 20 year old. And given all the sex we had back then (sluts that we were), that wasn't the only reason I felt giddy. Even today, well into my 70s, and still with him, I wouldn't waste my breath calling myself old. Why bother, we still fuck like horney adolescents, despite the gray hair and AARP cards. Word to my peers: Don't grow old gracefully. Don't grow old."—Walter M., Washington, D.C.
Easy riders
We trust helmets, but BastardLife trusts Durex Avanti Bare condoms even more. On sale now and worth it.—N.B.
Come here
Natural selection. Bobby from Seattle, Washington is an avid reader of BastardLife he tells us, but as for our advice, he writes in to say, "It has yet to help me with my particular problem. I don't want to sound conceited," he continues, "but my issue is that I don't have to work at it at all. At any bar, on any airplane, in any restaurant, party, club, or at any job—I walk out with a hot girl who will let me have it all with her. At first this gift was nothing short of a miracle and I lived to the fullest with my great luck; but lately, I wonder how to choose which girl I will bed. What should be my criteria: Her body? Her mind? The shear fact that she's making the moves on me? Shouldn't I slow it down and stop using all these women for sex?"
Well Bobby, since our advice hasn't helped, perhaps that of your fellow BastardLife readers will.
Debbie from Portland says, "Don't underestimate the women that are drawn to you; they want it as badly as you, if not more. It's not like you're taking advantage of us honey; rather, be careful of the women taking advantage of you. Oh, and some of us women will use you just as harshly as men use us, making you feel just as empty as we do sometimes after a 'pump and dump' lay."
Lisa from New York tells us, "For god's sake don't start intellectualizing this. Just take us. We wouldn't be there if we didn't want to be. Men forget that women are just as much 'the guy' as you boys, where getting laid is concerned."
Julliet from Paris writes, "I stay away from men who 'wonder' whether or not to bed me."
Alison from Sacramento points out, "Your letter is very revealing. 'How to choose who I will bed,' makes it very clear you are having a blast and have no interest in dating or a long term relationship. If you are truly a chick magnet, then just sit back and enjoy the ride. We obviously want it just as much as you, and trust me, as an older woman now not quite as hot as I once was, I look back upon my many very hot conquests and thank my lucky stars I didn't think my way out of them."
Key Tip: Bobby, if you're playing the field, then play the field and don't over think things. Trust your gut and do what feels right—even if that means a new girl every night, you lucky bastard.
Vagina envy
Tasting her. "This position, that position—I love it all, and the women I'm with seem to love it too. But for me nothing compares to the taste of her stunning vagina. I live for it. I love all of the slick wetness against my tongue, her layers of soft skin, her intense warmth, and most of all that amazing sweet taste of her. I'll be hard for my girls, and I'll bend them in all the positions they love, but only if they return the favor by feeding me their most precious delicacy."—Steve, San Francisco, CA.
Photograph by Igor Amelkovich, on sale now and worth it.
"I'm not a bisexual man. I'm a man."
In an Absolut world there would be no labels. Be who you are and live free with Absolut vodka, on sale now and worth it.—N.B.
Teacher's pet
David from Austin Texas remembers what it was like to have a private tutor.—N.B.
In 9th grade Aaron's parents never seemed to be home. I think back to those days and wonder why I never asked where they were. Instead, I'd let him lead the way to the basement where there was a pool table, his dad's bar, and a mattress discarded in the corner. By my third visit, I knew what we were going to do down there, or at least what I hoped we would do.
I said as little as possible just in case saying anything at all might make Aaron change his mind. Once downstairs we both just stood there, one more awkward than the other until I just said it, "Show me how to kiss again."
Then I backed up as many paces as it took for me to feel the mattress hit the back of my legs and lay myself down on to it. Aaron walked closer until it felt like he was standing over me.
It seemed like an eternity before he leaned down and placed his pouty lips onto mine.
"She'll like it like this," he said with a teacher's authority after a minute of kissing me. "Never hard. Only softly."
Slowly, I began to kiss back. Slowly because I didn't want Aaron to stop giving me his lesson. I had no intererst in girls, but the only way to be held and kissed by Aaron was to be his willing student for lessons on what he thought girls would like. It was weird, but it was hot; it felt like I was getting away with something.
As Aaron leaned in against me he pressed his thigh on the part of my jeans filled with my erection and looked into my eyes. "Press in on her here, slowly, but hard. Girls love that."
As Aaron's soft tongue glided against my kneck, then my lips again I decided to gamble by reaching down and unfastening my jeans, freeing my erection.
Aaron didn't stop. In fact, he gripped my cock and asked me, "You like that little student? You like it when I touch you here?"
"Yes," I said blown away by how warm his hand was. "I love it, learning from you. Teach me more."
"I'll teach you," he said, "I'll teach you how to feel good."
Aaron placed his lips onto mine again, and let me taste his tongue—again. His hand never stopped holding me. He knew what to do, how to care for my urgent cock. His thigh pressed against me harder, too, as he gripped and pulled and brought me to a long messy climax.
"Thank you," I said out of breath.
"Hey, uh...you need to know that I'm not gay, man," Aaron said quickly returning to his odd reality.
As I zipped up I said, "I know you're not Aaron. You're a teacher. And I'll be your teacher's pet anytime you want."
All he did was look down a little shamefully, clean me off his hand and say, "Cool."
Photograph by Navostudios
To suck or devour
“I want to learn to give head like a man,” she said. “Tell me how it’s different.” In a drunken moment of openness, I had told her about my bisexual past, a youthful experiment that I was growing out of in my early thirties. Usually, when I was trying to pick up women in bars, I kept this information to myself. A lot of women were turned off by a man who’d had sex with other men, but then, once in a while, the truth crept out, and luckily, this particular woman—Tracie was her name—was intrigued, wanted to know all about it, was obviously turned on by the very idea. I supposed that one of the reasons my secret had slipped out was because we were getting along so well, and my guard was down. We were both singing along animatedly when an old song by the Smiths came on the jukebox, and the topic of conversation had very casually taken a turn from the singer Morrissey’s alleged asexuality to sexual orientation in general.
When I’d admitted to having had bisexual experiences, she asked me whether men or women gave better blow jobs, and I said—because it’s generally true—that beyond a doubt, men do. A man knows what it feels like to receive a blow job, and so it’s obvious that a man would have a better instinct about how to give one. It was clear to me that this got Tracie’s feminist dander up. She was very competitive, she said, and thought she should be able to learn to do this as well as any man could, despite the drawback of not having a penis of her own. Besides that, she’d been told by men that she was very good at it, but as far as she knew, none of those men had ever gotten head from another man. So the challenge was on, and I took her back to my apartment to discuss it further.
It was a short walk from the Greenwich Village bar to my place in Chelsea. We laughed and flirted all the way up 7th Avenue, talking about our lives, getting to know one another. She was a copy editor, and I was a techie doing various types of freelance computer work from programming to web design. She was a native New Yorker, and I was originally from Alabama. Her father was South American, which explained the slightly ambiguous ethnicity that I found exotic and interesting about her. Along the way, we made fun of people we saw who were dressed poorly or acting bizarre, such as one typically sees on a Friday night in Manhattan. A casual observer would have thought we were old pals, would never have guessed that we just met an hour before in a bar. When I opened the door to my apartment, though, I immediately came back to the reason we were here—a lesson in sucking cock like a man.
“First of all,” I told her as I flicked on the lights, “you have to really want it, and not like you want a piece of candy. It’s not a lollipop. You have to want it like you want a piece of steak. You have to be ravenous for it. And you have to ache for more of it when it's in your mouth. You have to want to suck and drink from it as if your life depends upon it. If this seems odd, try masturbating and cumming while his hard cock is in your mouth. Nothing is better."
"You see," I leaned in and told her simply, "Typically, women suck cock. Many of them quite well. But men—we devour it, and I suggest you do to.”
“An interesting distinction,” she said moving in closer to me and getting onto her knees. “Judging from my wet underwear, I think I will do just that."—D.P.
Photograph by Erwin Olaf
Early riser
You like to sleep in on the weekends; he likes to wake you up early to have sex, and you're over it. Now what?
Q: My partner wakes up rock hard and initiates sex with me while I am still deep asleep. I find him extremely hot and I live for what we do in bed, but at six o'clock in the morning, not only do I want to sleep more, I can hardly get it up. I'm a night time lover. How do I get him on my schedule?
A: It is very common in partnerships that one of you is on a different arousal schedule than the other. The trick is to strike a balance that works for both of you. First, discuss the problem you are having with him before it occurs again. Reassure him of your desire for him and your continuing attraction to him and the love you have for your sexual life together. You know your body better than anyone, so be very clear about how you feel in the mornings and how your body behaves when you are too groggy or sleepy. Second, sex is best when it is not scheduled, but get on a plan where it is mutually understood that sometimes, though he may want to go off to bed, he will welcome your sexual initiations; and conversely, you will welcome his in the early morning at times when all you want to do is sleep.
Key Tip: Striking a balance, giving in here, and asking him to give in a bit there, will deepen your understanding and respect for each other, and that will translate into a more intense sexual experience—at any hour of the day.—N.B.
Photography: www.navostudios.com. Model: Allen C.
Welcome to BastardLife; straight, bi, or gay, we're here for you. Read, look, comment—or subscribe to receive daily updates and exchange messages with our editors. It's easy and it's free. Have a sex & relationship question? Or an experience you want to share? Send it to us, and we'll address it in our You Ask We Advise column. Stay hot, be safe, and enjoy.—N.B.
