You like to sleep in on the weekends; he likes to wake you up early to have sex, and you're over it. Now what?
Q: My partner wakes up rock hard and initiates sex with me while I am still deep asleep. I find him extremely hot and I live for what we do in bed, but at six o'clock in the morning, not only do I want to sleep more, I can hardly get it up. I'm a night time lover. How do I get him on my schedule?
A: It is very common in partnerships that one of you is on a different arousal schedule than the other. The trick is to strike a balance that works for both of you. First, discuss the problem you are having with him before it occurs again. Reassure him of your desire for him and your continuing attraction to him and the love you have for your sexual life together. You know your body better than anyone, so be very clear about how you feel in the mornings and how your body behaves when you are too groggy or sleepy. Second, sex is best when it is not scheduled, but get on a plan where it is mutually understood that sometimes, though he may want to go off to bed, he will welcome your sexual initiations; and conversely, you will welcome his in the early morning at times when all you want to do is sleep.
Key Tip: Striking a balance, giving in here, and asking him to give in a bit there, will deepen your understanding and respect for each other, and that will translate into a more intense sexual experience—at any hour of the day.—N.B.
Photography: www.navostudios.com. Model: Allen C.
You have never had unprotected sex with him, but you want to and so does he. Now what?
Q: "I have been with the man I am dating for a year now. I always insist on a condom. He complies without any resistance, but I desperately want to feel him inside of me without one. I trust him so much and I trust his past. It sounds silly but when is it time to ditch the latex and go for it?"-Lisa, Mendocino, CA
A: There are several things to consider here. First, the obvious: Today, trust is not enough. I recommend getting tested together, just be sure that for each of you it has been at least three months since your last sexual encounter with anyone else. To attempt to insure that this is in fact the case, sit down and issue an amnesty policy with your partner. Make it clear that you need not know details or if or when he has been with others while you were together, but rather, without any judgement, you need him to simply give you a date—when you can both get tested accurately. Hopefully he will say, "I'm ready when you are." Second, make a commitment to get tested every three months after your joint negative results. STD examinations are quick, cheap, and painless. And When you make them as natural as the other exams you go through, it just becomes a way of healthy living.
Key Tip: Its wonderful to be vulnerable with someone you love. But protect the gift of your good health by instituting measures in your intimate relationship that insure your longevity.—N.B.
He sneaks in hours of porn when you are off at work or asleep. You don't get it. Now what?
Q: Lately, I wake up and my partner is not next to me in bed. I stagger down the stairs in the middle of the night to find him watching porn and masturbating. I offer to join him, but he turns it off and says he's tired and needs to get back to bed. I have no problem with him watching porn or masturbating or any of that, but how can I get him to include me in the fun? Frankly, it seems as though he's grown more interested porn than me.
A: Pornography is one of the least acknowledged American pastimes, despite how much it is thriving among couples. Odd, because pornography allows you to witness the kinds of sexual behavior that you either dream of, or have experienced, or plan to part take in, from the privacy of your own home. However, for some, pornography can replace their interest in the real thing. First, if you suspect this, sit your partner down and ask the tough questions: Are you becoming sort of obsessed with it? Are you getting more out of your porn orgasm than you are from those you have with me?!? Be sure to reinforce your lack of judgement of porn and masturbation. Second, examine the current state of your intimate life: Is it lacking in frequency? Has it become staid due to his lack of stamina, possibly because he is masturbating more often when you're not around?
Key Tip: Porn is fun, but do not turn a blind eye to the progressive nature of porn addiction. Consider ways of incorporating it into your bed life if it seems to be an integral part of his sexual desire. But do not underestimate the toxic nature of over exposure to pornography and its effects on the male libido, performance, and ability to be intimate with you.—N.B.
You're here, you're queer, and you're used to it—but more and more you find yourself desiring women. Now what?
Q: I'm in a funny position: I'm a guy and my sex life has been mostly with men—but more and more I want to be intimate with women. Only problem is that I've never actually had sex with women and I don't have any female friends "with benefits" to mess around with. How do I go about embarking on meeting (and hopefully sleeping) with women as a newly bisexual man?—Gary, Burlington, VT
A: For some, the notion of crossing the sexuality border to "the other side" is rarely entertained (either from gay to bi, or from straight to gay, or any derivation thereof) while for others, not only do fantasies about it abound, taking action upon them is a necessity for sexual fulfillment. But just as exploring new intimate experiences is more and more common as the stigma around homosexual or bisexual life lessons, the urge to deny oneself the object of their interest is still very much with us. First, take action and get out there—with honesty and a thick skin. Pursuing women is like auditioning—you'll be rejected far more often than you'll be chosen for the role. By being honest about your sexuality you will double that rejection—but when you score, it will be heaven because who you are will be celebrated by both of you. Second, broaden your social network, by means of clubs, events, and interfacing with like minded people online through vehicles like Facebook and Twitter. Before you know it, you will be guiding others through the same kind of sexuality exploration. Finally, there is no wrong way to pursue the women you want to meet—only your way. If a casual liason is what you seek—be clear about it. Someone to teach you the ropes? Be honest about that too. The worst anyone can say is no—and if you've ever watched Sex & The City you know we aren't living in the 50's anymore, so go for it and see what happens.
Key Tip: Go and get what you want, regardless of your past, present, or future.
Some guys want to—but they just won't take a bite out of the apple. Now what?
Q: What produces that magic moment that pushes a bi-curious guy over the edge and into a same-sex encounter? I've been in several settings with straight identified guys where I felt a connection and things might have been headed there—but it always ends up with nothing happening. Do I need courage to take it there, or are these just near-misses?
A: Common problem. Thing is, it's not you—it's him. I have closed the deal on many straight identifying men in college who called me a fag in the quad, but who in secret got on their knees to blow me. How? Alcohol, late nights, and the blood promise that I would keep their dirty little secrets.
You and I are all grown up now, so place yourself in spots where there is no question about your or his intentions. Buy a manhunt account; you can search by city, any city—even yours, and there are lots of bi-curious men there who are ready to get together. Go to a gay bar, not just to hook up, but just to meet other men. If you are married with kids, your new community won't judge you too harshly, and if they do, at least half of them have been there before, and you'll get respect for standing up for your bisexual identification. (Fact is, most guys at gay bars will identify with you, rather than judge you).
Key tip: Close the deal by standing up, and getting yourself out there in to pools of guys who won't waist your time. You can do it.—N.B.
You're a top. He tries to make you a bottom. You're laughing because he has no idea what he's missing. Now what?
Q: The guy I am seeing, at hotels only during the day—I think he may be married and lying to me—is a persistent top. But I'm a top, too. He's hot enough to give some training time to. How do I try to shape him into that guy who just lays back and lets a good woman take over?
A: Many couples report 'creative differences' when it comes to the position of the day. But these battles can easily be avoided. First, make it clear what you need. If you are with a man who can't deliver that—move on, as it is nearly impossible to change other people. Second, seek out the kind of partners who are on the same page as you—before you are in bed with them and realize they are domineering tops who you need to school.
Key Tip: If sex is the goal, find out what he's into before you hit the sack. If you've been intimate for awhile—work with him about what you need. But if you aren't getting what you want, seriously consider your options rather than waste your time being unsatisfied.—N.B.
The only way you can climax when you make love is by thinking of your ex. Now what?
Q: My partner has no idea that the only way I can reach my orgasm is by closing my eyes, and imagining my ex is the one savagely making love to me. I feel guilty after. How can I shake off the past and be present for this person who cares so much about me?—Katrina, L
A: It takes time to fully let go with a new partner. You may not have been able to sustain a long term relationship with your ex, but that is not to say that the sex was not some of the best you've ever had. First, this is the kind of thing that requires restraint of pen and tongue; your partner need not know about this distraction, as it could be very hurtful. Second, it is very important that you search your soul, and your heart, to determine where your loyalties are. Sex may not be everything in a relationship, but it is a vulnerable time of intimacy that should be respected. And if you are not there, or present because you are thinking of someone else, it's not fair to your current partner to keep the charade going for too long.
Key Tip: However you have to, determine who you want to be with. Do not compromise—or judge yourself when you come to your conclusion. If your current partner is not satisfying you, confront that reality and take it seriously. If you are still in love with your ex, and sex is not satisfying with anyone else, you may want to make a phone call and see if there isn't some unfinished business that you need to address. Life is short—get what you want and need out of it now.—N.B.
Your wife is beautiful, sensual, sexy, and great in bed. She likes the lights out when you make love—but you need them on. Now what?
Q: I have the most beautiful wife on the planet. She's stunning. Seeing her naked is a giant turn for me and an integral part of my desire for her. But she comes from a very conservative and very religious background and will not keep any lights on when we make love. In the dark what I love about her body is confirmed; her breasts are perfect, and her body is slender and smooth. Even after a shower, she quickly robes up, then puts on a bra and panties in our bedroom, and before you know it this husband of 13 years has only gotten a peep instead of a good look at his wife naked. How can I bring her out of her shell?
A: Many couples report that they are intimate in the dark only, while others not only keep the lights bright, they film it and post it on YouPorn! It is common for women from intensely religious upbringings to be more conservative about their sexual behavior, but it is also possible for those feelings of guilt and shame to subside, leading to a more outgoing sexual life. First, understand that this may take time. You must methodically remind her of the beauty of your lovemaking, and all of the closeness that the very act of sex and intimacy brings to your relationship. It is important for her to understand how beautiful you feel she is, without objectifying her or separating your adoration from your deep feelings of closeness and your solid marriage. Second, you must communicate what you want in simple but loving terms so that she will understand that wanting to see and appreciate her body during sex is a way for you to satisfy your need to celebrate her beauty—not just get off.
Key Tip: Communicate what you want and make it clear that the beauty you want to celebrate and hold and see during lovemaking is the cornerstone of your love, desire, and respect for her.
He's your weekend fun. He likes it that way. But you want to take it to the next level. Now what?
Q: I am seeing a dreamy hot guy. We have the best weekends. He goes back to Baltimore and I am stuck here in the burbs missing him hard for five days a week though. I think I just fell in love but I don't want to scare him off. How do I deal with this?
A: The biggest risk of intimacy is love. When you fall, it's usually a momentous occasion. Your heart is wide open. But it's the stuff of sad country songs if he doesn't know it or worse, doesn't feel the same way. First, be honest with yourself and be willing to lose it all. Accept what is—and if it's love, then he needs to know it. Sex won't be fun anymore and just being around him will hurt if you hold back. Second, tell him. There is no wrong time to have babies, get married, or tell someone you are in love with them. If he walks, then just know it's his loss. Bravery is the active ingredient of love.
Key Tip: Take a minute. Exhale. Know and enjoy the marvel of this feeling. It doesn't come around too often. Then drop the bomb and let go. If you set it free and it was meant to be—it will come right back around at ya.—N.B.
You live for anal sex—but he's a bottom. Now what?
Q: My partner is a bottom, but I think he's a phenomenal top. The best I have ever had. I am deeply in love with him, but he insists that while he is happy to be pleasing me so intensely, he really wants to be the bottom. Is there any hope for our long term sexual satisfaction?
A: Versatility in sexual relationships over time is a very useful construct, giving both of you the chance to have all of your sexual needs and fantasies explored. First, consider becoming more versatile yourself. He is a bottom, but makes for the best top you have ever experienced—you may be a phenominal top and not even know it. Just as he has invested in your needs, you may want to try to satisfy his a bit more. Finding the balance between his night and yours is key so that no one is feeling as though they are compromising with zero return. Second, remember that taking new challenges and exploring all of your potential sexual selves with your partner will bring you closer and make for a deeper bond.
Key Tip: Healthy compromise is a part of human relationships, including sexual ones. Learn to expand your sexual range, but not beyond what is comfortable, and maintain earnest communication as you strike a fairer balance in bed.—N.B.
