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Straight, Gay, or Bi, Neal Boulton's BastardLife.com is the only online sex & relationships magazine for all of us.

Two & One

Neal Boulton

In your threesome, all you want to do is keep going with her. But you fear your boyfriend is getting jealous. Now what?

Q: I'm a bisexual man, and so is my boyfriend. We are lucky to have one of the hottest women I have ever seen in our threesome. Problem is, I've been greedy, and not interested in sharing her with him. I have to work hard to employ my manners and yield so that my boyfriend can have more time with me and her when we three are having sex. How can I negotiate this one?—David E., New York City

A: Yes, bisexuality is fun, but to live a bisexual life, and to have threesomes that include someone with whom you are in a long-term relationship guarantees one thing no matter how evolved you are: jealousy. 

The good news? Like with any emotion, or feeling that is part of sexual negotiation, communication is the great elixir—if you abandon all judgement.

First, a few days before the next sexual encounter—not during sex, and not while everyone is getting undressed—sit down and bring up what you are experiencing in a non-threatening way.

Second, find out what he is experiencing. Is he actually jealous? Turned off? Not as into it as you? Maybe he wants to be with her longer, too. Let's face it—intercourse feels good, no matter how polite you are, so of course it's hard to stop.

Finally, work out your threesome rules, and a plan, and stick to it. Agree on either a physical or verbal way to let each other know when it's time to switch positions—and don't break those rules. 

Key Tip: Jealousy is par for the bisexual course, but something that with some agreements up front can be tempered so that you can all have a great time and less stress later.—C.D.

By Neal Boulton at 5:53PM on March 23, 2014


You're married, but you've been flirting with her for years. She's only just put two and two together. Now you're on for a sleep over this Saturday night. Only problem? You've never made love to a woman. Now what?

Q: I don't care what happens to my marriage at this point—I'm a lesbian. (It feels good finally saying that). The woman I work with at the department store has finally put it together that I'm not just being nice, that I want her. But I'm very nervous now because she's invited me over Saturday night. We have this energy together and I know it will lead to the bedroom. But I've never actually done anything about my sexuality. How do I fake my way through my first time with a woman, and this new life?—Patty R., Wilmington, DE

A: You've just come out and not only do you deserve praise, you deserve her. First, communication is the key to success in the bedroom—and pleasure. Be up front with her. Have a sense of humor about it. Celebrate it. Yes! It's your first time. What you'll be amazed by is how naturally you gravitate to what feels right, what you've always wanted in the first place, and what you finally had the courage to give yourself. Second, be honest with your husband. Clearing the cob webs from all of the attic's dark corners will free you even more to explore your sexuality. Explain to him where you stand—at any cost. Doing so will clear the kind of baggage that could ultimately prevent you from walking down your new path with a level head.

Key Tip: Making love for the first time has very little to do with sex and more to do with celebrating who you are. Use this first time as a cornerstone for your new life of honesty.—C.D.

By Neal Boulton at 12:35AM on December 21, 2013

Human rights

You enjoy masturbating in the morning. It's your one quiet private pleasure. But he doesn't get it. Now what?

Q: I find masturbating a soothing and calming activity that centers me for the day. I have a great sex life with my husband, but he doesn't like knowing that I still pleasure myself alone. I think he thinks I turn into some kind of inert mannequin with no human desires—beyond him—after he has sex with me. In fact, he often says, "We just had sex last night, why would you need to do that!?!"—Elizabeth, Greenwich, CT.

A: Chances are your partner is feeling insecure about your level of sexual satisfaction. His ego may be bruised suspecting he is not pleasuring you properly or sufficiently. First, be honest with yourself; masturbating is a great form of tension release and an even better form of pleasure, but if you are not getting what you need, search those feelings and make sure to ask for what you want in bed. Second, make it clear how happy you are with your partner's sexual range and ability to pleasure you well before the next time you are both intimate. Communicate how this is about you deepening your private time away from family, home, and work, and not a compensation for something lacking in your life.

Key Tip: You're not a mannequin, you're human—and it's your right to have your orgasm any way, any how, and any time you want it.—N.B.

By Neal Boulton at 12:36AM on September 25, 2013

I Was One of Them

You're ok with you boyfriend seeing other people. You've got a few every so often on the side as well. Now what?

Q: My boyfriend and I see other guys from time to time on the side, even though we’ve been a happy couple for over five years. Does this mean we are having an open relationship or just a normal gay couple?—Dave H., Tampa, FL.

A: Judging by an online poll of 4,312 BastardLife readers one might think that your relationship is the new normal.

63% of you told us that you’d been with your current boyfriend for over a year and that each of you was allowed to see other people.

Julian from Miami said, “Most of the time we are intimate with each other, but there are times that we venture out of our relationship and hook up with others. It’s just not that big of a deal with us.”

Stephen from Sarasota told us, “Sometimes when we talk about the other men we are with it makes our time in bed even hotter. A great remedy for jealously.”

Richard from Pensacola said, “Straight people are always cheating on each other. I accept that there will be times my boyfriend and I stray. Instead of letting it ruin our relationship, we let it make it hotter: if his boyfriend on the side is good enough, my partner will bring him in for a threesome. We call it healthy sharing.”

27% of you told us that you wished the men you dated were more accepting of open relationships. Danny from Siesta Key said, “I think it’s impossible for men to be monogamous—including those men who forbid their partners from cheating. Yep, they’re cheating, too. I should know, I was one of them.”

Key Tip: Don't fight human nature, work with it.—N.B.

By Neal Boulton at 1:14AM on August 31, 2013

Hard Questions

You've been married for twenty years but she hasn't ever gone down on you—and it's killing you. Now what?

Q: I've been married to my wife for two decades. For some reason she simply won't perform phalatio on me. I can't express how much I would like her to, how much I believe I need to have this. Instead, I just masturbate to scenes of oral sex on internet porn, though it is less and less satisfying. Please advise.—Brian, Greenwich, CT.

A: The reality is, some women just won't perform phalatio. First, stop wondering why she won't and find a low stress moment before sex to discuss it. Ask the hard questions: "Is oral sex something you will ever consider?" And, get honest, "Because I really want you to do that to me." Second, hear her out—and be prepared to accept her answer. She may tell you she will never be into it.

Conversely, your wife may just show some interest—either because you've asked for it, or because she genuinely has considered it but not known how to initiate things. Here, we ask that you take it slowly and hear her out. Does she want to because you are asking for it? If so, during sex, it is critical to also take things slowly—and be patient as things happen. There may be some explaining, or teaching required which must always happen gently and without exasperation.

Finally, your wife may very much want to perform oral sex with you. But if this is new territory for her, celebrate her willingness to do it, but be patient because, again, there may be more communication and teaching required. Whatever the case may be, if she won't, might, or will—communication, patience, and rigorous honesty will make any reality acceptable.

Key Tip: Loving someone means understanding and accepting them—no matter how much it inconveniences you in bed.—N.B.

By Neal Boulton at 11:39AM on July 23, 2013

In Your Wake

Dating is a sport for you, but some people judge you for burning through men like a wildfire. Now What?

Q: "Many of my girlfriends are starting to get married and have babies. I've been told to 'settle down,' or to stop being 'so picky,' and to 'find one man' to settle down with. But I have no interest in that. I enjoy living the single life and I'm having fun. It's obvious some of the women around me think I sleep around too much, but I don't want to get married until I'm done with this fun single stage of my life. How can I explain this without sounding like a slut?"—Julia E., Houston, TX

A: The women some consider slutty turn out to be the kind BastardLife readers consider smart. Here's why. Over 50% of marriages end in divorce—and that's among couples that were possibly sure marriage was the next right step. So why allow yourself to be pushed into marriage if you are as articulate as Julia about why it's not time?

Gina from San Francisco told us, "I married too young. I was in love. It seemed like the right thing. But I hadn't lived yet. As a result, I strayed. I wanted to see what other men were like, what other sexual experiences were like. It was a great thrill, cheating, and experiencing other kinds of sex—but, naturally, it resulted in me breaking my young husband's heart and moving on."

Thomas from Detroit said, "After the honeymoon is over, marriage can become 'work.' And if you're not done exploring your sexuality, having sex with other people is just inevitable."

"I was monogamous the entire time I was married," Taylor told BastardLife, "but I just hadn't been with enough people to know why I was sexually dissatisified in my marriage. Eventually, we divorced and I started dating. I was blown away by how great sex could be. I really found my sexual self in the, sometimes lonely, dating scene. Now I'm happily married, most of the time, but 100% sexually satisifed with my mate because I waited to find out who I was in bed and otherwise."

Key Tip: You're ready when you're ready; until then, leave as many in your wake as you need to.—N.B.

By Neal Boulton at 9:03AM on May 06, 2013

Food Groups

You live for cunnilingus, but your man doesn't. Now what?

Q: "I absolutely cannot live without receiving oral sex. I am with a fabulous guy who is just not as sexually open as I am and has always been with very submissive women. I am much more aggressive and have an anything goes sexual appetite.
In previous relationships, my vagina has been referred to as "one of the four major food groups" they were down there so much, so I know it's not me when my current man just won't go down on me. He just seems anti-oral. How can I encourage him to give it a shot?"—Jennifer T., Austin, TX

A: It's always disappointing when I hear about these kinds of men. It reminds me of the boasting straight character in True Romance who, when asked if he ate his girl out, is shocked and freaked out at the idea of putting his mouth near a vagina. Because it is a Tarantino film—that guy gets blown away right then and there. Of course, we don't recommend the same handling of any sexual incompatibility. Rather, sit him down in a nonsexual moment and address the issue frankly.

First, ask him what he does like.

Second, sell it. Don't hold back from telling him what other men have said they tasted of you. Tangy, sweet? If so, prove it: during sex—touch yourself and let him taste you on your fingers. Taste yourself, too—to show him how much you like the taste.

Finally, help him learn more about oral sex in a non-serious way. Diffuse the situation. Sure he'll laugh, but pull out The Joy of Sex after a few glasses of wine some night when he stays over at your place. It's hilarious fun—and surprisingly educational. He may learn that many men who only like vagina when they are experiencing pleasure through their penis learn that they live for cunnilingus during fellatio. The 69 position is a great gateway for vagina-shy men to discover what so many women, and men, love so much when they go down.

Key Tip: For many men, the vagina is a complex place. Teach him everything about it in whatever language he will understand. Find out sooner rather than later if you are sexually incompatible through honest judgement-free communication.—N.B.

Photograph by Martin Kovalack

By Neal Boulton at 12:14PM on February 03, 2013

Offense, Not Defense

The pressure of speculation around your sexuality and a woman you spend time with is getting to you. You're over it. Now what?

Q: "I live and work in a very conservative suburb and the big rumor is that I am a lesbian and intimate with my closest girlfriend. Thing is, it's not a rumor; we became intimate a year ago and have secretly been lovers. I don't feel the people around me deserve to know anything about my private life—but they seem to think they do with their constant questions. I am not a closet case by any means, but I am also starting to cave under the pressure of the speculations. What the hell should I do about this?"—Megan R., Iowa City

A: Rumors often trigger an odd kind of feeding frenzy where sexuality is the topic. Is she, isn't she; are they, aren't they? The truth is, the facts about your sexuality—gay, bi or straight—are not the property of anyone else but you and your partner. And the best way to come out is to just be out without any big pronouncements. However, in certain communities, or within professional circles (trust me, I know), there is a way to get ahead of the story.

First, deny nothing, but don't give away anything. When you hear about how it is rumored that you have secretly been seeing your friend, rather than deny it, trump it by shooting back how lucky you would be if that were the case.

Second, for the more rude and demanding people who may approach you, and these are the annoying ones, rather than be stunned or put on the spot, laugh them away by shooting back to the straight women, "Why? Are you saying you're interested in me if I'm not seeing her?" and to the straight men, "Why the interest in us two girls, wife not giving it up anymore darlin?"

If things persist and continue to annoy you, disrupt everyone's comfort level by just showing up to the local coffee shop, grocery store, church or PTA meeting dripping in public displays of affection with your new hot babe of a girlfriend. It'll shut them right up.

Key tip: Offense, not defense.

By Neal Boulton at 12:12PM on February 03, 2013

Marriage Material?

You’re gay and proud of the laws that finally allow gays to marry. Only thing is, you hate the idea of marriage. Now What?

Q: Am I a bad gay? I’m proud that we can now marry, but I think heterosexual couples have proven that marriage is a waste of time—and (divorce) money.—Paul R., Houston, TX

A: Paul’s views may not be loved by all gays, but he is far from alone with his opinion. In a poll of 3,193 gay male BastardLife readers, 47% of you told us that you thought gay marriage was not for you.

Julian from New York said, “I fear the wave of young men, flush in the honeymoon stage of a relationship, who run off and get married—only to get tangled up in the messy, expensive, and hateful divorces that straights do.”

Thomas from San Francisco told us, “I am a gay man, I don’t have any interest in emulating straight male and female couples just for the tax benefits. Straight marriage is a scar on civilization with it’s 51% divorce rates, bitter legal battles, and money driven motives. I’ll happily stick with a weekend lover, a few lonely Saturday nights, and a life filled with a scrapbook filled with boyfriends instead of husbands.”

Rick from Miami said, “Yes, guys are dogs, but I love that I can one day marry the one I love. It may only be a fantasy, but I’ll take that over discrimination any day.”—N.B.

By Neal Boulton at 11:32AM on February 02, 2013

It's Not Sex, Unless It Gets Anal

For you, it's not sex unless it gets anal. But he is new to it. Now what?

Q: "Of course I love oral sex. Of course I love kissing and rolling around and being physical. But it's not sex unless it gets anal for me, and nothing turns me on more than when a man goes down on me for a good long time, rimming me, before he plunges inside of me. How do I introduce my partner to this since he's new to being with men?"—Thomas B., Miami, FL.

A: Stewart from Quebec shares, "Being intimate with a man for the first few times was intimidating. The truth for me was that I wanted to devour a man in every way long before I was with one. And your new partner may well be the same way. What helped me get more comfortable with what my first boyfriend wanted to do were these long sessions of talking about sex and all that we could do before we ever did anything. Not only did I learn all about the things that were possible, it was a huge turn on that got me way more than just comfortable. It made me hungrier than ever. Talk it out—in graphic, sexy detail. Then invite him in to test drive it all."

Roland of San Franciso told us, "There isn't one man I have ever made love to who wasn't anal curious. And when, if they dared, realized how much staggering pleasure it brought to me—they became very eager to oblige my needs there. Before long they wanted to try this thing called rimming and anal sex that was so obviously blowing my mind. That's when you introduce anal 69 rimming. In time that is. In time."

Key Point: Communication. Before the sex begins.—N.B.

By Neal Boulton at 10:43AM on July 26, 2012

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