Straight, bi, or gay—this is the sex & relationships site for all of us.

"Welcome home, honey."

You've been married less than a year. When you get home, she's not bounding over to kiss you, she's bound up in the kitchen waiting for a romp. Now what?

Q: This is my second marriage; my first ended because my wife thought I was too sexually adventurous. Now I've been married less than a year and I am wondering if my new wife is far more adventurous than I am—she will often wait for me to find her bound and gagged in various rooms of the house with a note beside her that reads, "Fuck me bound like this." How can I find my "inner torturer" and do something like that to a woman?

A: Not only is there a fetish in all of us, be it mild or mad, but they come in all colors and flavors—bondage and domination being one of them. First, before you run to the next marriage, learn more—I recommend Alison Tyler's Best Bondage Erotica series or her book Love at First Sting: Sexy Tales of Erotic Restraint in which what appears to be the art form of this fetish is beautifully and tastefully described in a way that will inform and most like arouse you. Second, nothing is more arousing than exploring a new intimate life together, so learn from her before you role play or her next bound up moment. Find out what turns her on and be sure to be honest about what you like and need as well. Then, enjoy.

Key Tip: Some fetishes are not for everyone. But the stigma of others can turn you off before you explore their potential for exciting you. Communicate, be safe, and have fun and no one will get hurt (at least not too badly).—N.B.

By Neal Boulton at 12:25PM on October 30, 2009
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The family of man

X-Posed, by Dylan Rosser.

Within the plethora of photographic tomes that explore the muse of The Man, most merely document their male subjects in provocative poses that aim towards temptation—rather than place the viewer within the hormonal scent of his masculinity such that you are drawn in by the very testosterone that ignites sexual desire. However, photographer Dylan Rosser has achieved just this kind of penetrating intimacy inside his first book X-Posed, in which his camera transcends the mechanical of lens and shutter to become our eyes—and his compositions, our desires. On sale now, and worth it.—N.B.

By Neal Boulton at 12:17PM on October 30, 2009
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New frontiers

You've led a straight life, but more and more lately you find yourself interested in being intimate with men. One in particular, too. Now what?

Q: "I work on a cattle ranch in Montana where gay life is surprisingly not looked down upon, but where there just isn't alot of it around. I have always been lucky with girls (there aren't many of those either around where I live and work); but a man has appeared in my life from one of the other ranches and it is obvious that he is attracted to me. He's been cool about it, and discrete, but I have found myself so attracted and curious about taking the next step with him to the point of constant distraction. I just don't know how to handle this—I have never been intimate with a man. And does this mean I am gay?"—Steven, MT

A: Over 43% of single men in the U.S. who have been open and honest with their partners about having had homosexual experiences do not identify themselves as bisexual or homosexual. This is partly due to the way in which the need to identify as other than straight has relaxed. In many cases of out gay men between the ages of 25-35, 'coming out,' once the the largest rite of passage into gay life, is a non-event if it even happens at all. First, stay focused on the feelings you are having, rather than whether you are gay, straight, or bisexual. Take a private moment to remember that intimate desire is an experience to celebrate, not question, or judge yourself. In other words, don't fight it, follow your instincts and see what happens. Second, get practical—purchase the Joy of Gay Sex, and read up about safe sex as well. Many first time sexuality experiences include one to two unsafe sexual mistakes, so let your guard down enough to experience this amazing new feeling you have discovered, but keep your wits about you if and when the two of you become intimate.

Key Tip: Today, the need to label oneself is less important than it was in the past, freeing you to experience whatever you like without the pressure of identifying in or out of any group. Get plugged into the possibilities by reading more about your desire, in this case intimacy with a man. Let go, be safe, and enjoy.—N.B.

Photograph by Dennis Dean

By Neal Boulton at 8:36AM on October 30, 2009
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We salute you

BastardLife salutes all the women who are out there defending this country—who have left their partners, their kids, and their careers so that you and me can be here safe and sound...and free.—C.D.

By Neal Boulton at 8:34AM on October 30, 2009
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Flirting with disaster

Whatever works. Julie and Chris' sex life had always been great, but something eluded them. After a long day teaching at an Orlando public school, Chris would return home and find his wife splayed out naked, poolside, the sun glistening off her taut and oiled thighs while she traded stocks on her new laptop. Sex is easiest then, sure, when you're twenty-something, but what Julie wanted was sex and intimacy. And with a long-term partner, there are rules to attaining it.

"The ability to concentrate on the person you love is important," says Lloyd Richner, a human sexuality and relationships specialist in Tampa. "The distractions of life must become invisible to you. No easy task, though."

At a party, Chris would make new friends while Julie would remain glued to his side. When things were their worst between the couple, Chris was his most distracted—but not with work. With other people. He'd flirt with the usually married others of the children he taught—and they'd flirt right back. Although he never strayed, the weights of keeping these subtle relationships was heavier than other, far more aggressive missteps of his past, like getting rimmed during college from his girlfriend's sister at a wedding romp they sneaked away upstairs for.

Richner advised Chris to redirect his flirtations and allow the "non verbal, or flirtatious relationships" to dissipate. As a result, "He stopped coaching the girl's soccer team," said Julie. "He sat down almost every night and we ate dinner—together. He only watched the television shows that he wanted to actually sit and watch, rather than gazing at the TV and drinking beer for hours and falling asleep—missing the chance to make love to me."

Julie never knew about the flirtations that were preventing intimacy from flowering in their marriage. But once they disappeared, not only did the sex improve, Julie and Chris were more intimate, deeper and closer, with Julie citing her new love for rimming.—O.P.

By Neal Boulton at 8:31AM on October 30, 2009
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Five minute fun

Too often, just when it is getting good, he's done. Now what?

Q: My partner is hot and a great lover, but more and more these days he reaches his orgasm before I am even halfway there. How can I extend his sexual experience so that we can both have a more balanced experience together?

A: This is a problem that has probably affected every man at one point or another. One unfortunate aspect of premature ejaculation is that it increases the anxiety that may contribute to the problem. In most cases of premature ejaculation there is no clear cause, but it can be associated with many factors such as guilt, or depression or to an underlying medical cause such as hormonal problems, injury, or a side effect of certain medicines. The good news is that with sexual experience and age, men often learn to delay orgasm, allowing it to clear up on its own. First, it is important to try to avoid adding pressure to your partner as it may intensify the problem. Second, ease into the conversation about his happiness with your sexual activities. Are there other things he would like to try? Are there other times of the day when he might want to engage you in intimacy? 

Key Tip: Communication and understanding and a lack of pressure is the key to allowing premature ejaculation to dissipate. If the problem becomes chronic, use the same compassion and explore the medical issues that may be impacting your partner. Work with, not against, the issues you have in bed and you will flourish again as lovers.—N.B

By Neal Boulton at 8:26AM on October 30, 2009
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Just a rimminder

Feasting. In a poll of 5,379 BastardLife readers, 47% of you told us you loved rimming, citing that you incorporated the tangy delight into your intimate regimen up to twice a week. 23% of those who rimmed regularly recommended 69'ing and rimming, allowing both of you to experience the sensation mutually. 28% of you said you had enjoyed it in the past, both giving and receiving, but have been finding it hard to find partners willing to engage in the practice recently. A small 13% of you said it just wasn't for you.—M.T.

By Neal Boulton at 8:21AM on October 30, 2009
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"My boyfriend is amazing, He's OK with the fact that sometimes, instead of sex, I just have to have him in my mouth while I'm masturbating. It's purely selfish. He simply provides me a hard cock, and I feast on it while I jerk off.—Mike, Salt Lake City, UT

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"I had my first anal orgasm today and my mind was blown. Look, guys do have G-spots. If they don't, I absolutely and totally do."—Seattle, WA.

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"My boyfriend and I had our orgasms at the same time while we were 69'ing. And that was the best, and tastiest, one I've ever had in my gay life!"—Richard, LA, CA






























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