The Real Housewives of America. Food shopping, or shopping for food?—C.D.
Photograph by Miles Aldridge
A dark place
My partner is fond of anonymous sex. He is unaware that I know about his practices. But I do. Now what?
Q: My partner of many years swears that if I ever cheat on him, he'll leave me. His fear of it is palatable. His jealousy, too. But I recently discovered texts on his iPhone (I know I shouldn't have read them) with hook up dates and locations—and even the words describing the things they planned to do. I was sickened, and hurt. Do I end it?
A: Deception is worse than lying—because it involves more calculation. And what adds insult to injury most often is the also calculated and pathological method of controlling behavior, "If you cheat on me I will leave you," that accompanies it. A trust this broken rarely can be repaired. If you have not worked out a plan for an open relationship, and if you are not comfortable with an open relationship, and you have been deceived in this manner—leaving may be your best bet. But before you do leave, stop and realize that such deception comes from a dark place—that if tested, could include violence or further cons and manipulation. So, like the victims of domestic abuse, have a plan before you announce your intention to leave. Let your inner circle of friends and family know what time and how long you plan to discuss this with your partner, and set up a time by which you phone them to announce that you are out of there. Taking such measures to protect yourself may seem over the top at first, but not so much—if problems erupt at home where you'd wished you had take better precaution.
Key Tip: Open relationships are common among heterosexuals, bisexuals, and gays. And cheating happens. But if it is not in the cards for you, and you know this, then don't conform to a reality that will constantly haunt you. Believe in trust and aim for a relationship where that exists. You can do it.—C.D.
Spiritual experience
We love god, and sodomy, too. We recently received yet another letter from an angry fellow in which he called us "Demonic sodomites who will die in hell." I wrote the impassioned gentleman, Vincent, to let him know that if sodomy is indeed permitted in hell then, yep, we would be volunteering to go.
In the context of sex, the rectum and the anus, as BastardLife readers may know, is often associated with intercourse between two men, or men and willing women who either love it, or dutifully submit to their male partners to pleasure them. What heterosexual men, like Vincent, may not know is that in men, the rectum, regardless of your sexual orientation, is an area that can issue enormous pleasure by stimulating the prostate gland and sensitive nerves around the anus. When touched or massaged, the prostate—about a half-inch inside the opening of the anus—is a spot in a man's body that heightens sensations during masturbation or sexual intercourse during orgasm. Why?
The prostate is the area where the fluids of ejaculation gather just before they take off up the shaft of the penis. During sexual arousal, sperm and ejaculatory fluid accumulate in the seminal vesicles, prostate, and ampulla, backing up behind valves in the ejaculatory ducts. When fluid pressure reaches a high enough threshold, the valves open and the urethral bulb fills, triggering the ejaculatory reflex and muscular contractions of orgasm, which empties the glands, and often delivers what some have called, well, a spiritual experience.—N.B.
