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Human rights

You enjoy masturbating in the morning. It's your one quiet private pleasure. But he doesn't get it. Now what?

Q: I find masturbating a soothing and calming activity that centers me for the day. I have a great sex life with my husband, but he doesn't like knowing that I still pleasure myself alone. I think he thinks I turn into some kind of inert mannequin with no human desires—beyond him—after he has sex with me. In fact, he often says, "We just had sex last night, why would you need to do that!?!"—Elizabeth, Greenwich, CT.

A: Chances are your partner is feeling insecure about your level of sexual satisfaction. His ego may be bruised suspecting he is not pleasuring you properly or sufficiently. First, be honest with yourself; masturbating is a great form of tension release and an even better form of pleasure, but if you are not getting what you need, search those feelings and make sure to ask for what you want in bed. Second, make it clear how happy you are with your partner's sexual range and ability to pleasure you well before the next time you are both intimate. Communicate how this is about you deepening your private time away from family, home, and work, and not a compensation for something lacking in your life.

Key Tip: You're not a mannequin, you're human—and it's your right to have your orgasm any way, any how, and any time you want it.—N.B.

By Neal Boulton at 9:05PM on July 07, 2010
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The pen pal?

You met him in Paris on a day out alone while your man was off doing his own thing. Now he's your pen pal, and the correspondence is getting hot. It's insane, but you've fallen in love. Now what?

Q: I am probably the only gay man on the planet who doesn't cheat. But I did, and now, through these sexually explicit letters with my new lover, I guess I still am. But how do I manage this? Do I break up with my boyfriend—with whom I have adopted a child—for a man who I slept with a couple of times in Paris, but who I do feel I am seriously in love with? Or do I continue to cheat and "figure it out" in the event my frenchman turns out not to be "the one?" Confused.—Michael, New York, NY

A: Whether he's a boyfriend or a husband, the truth is—knowing when to risk a great relationship for a 'potential' one will always be hard. First, as we so often say, get honest with yourself: What do you want? While it's certainly true that you can have it both ways these days—a happy husband at home, and an equally happy lover on the side—it's no way to live for the long term. As my mother was fond of saying, "Everything's fine until someone gets hurt," and when cheating is factored into long term relationships, trust me, someone always does. Second, embrace the risk, take the gamble, and make a choice—either to forgo the rush of new love by staying with your current partner, or breaking up with him and throwing the dice on a new relationship. What will make either choice easier? Believing that there is no such thing as a mistake, only an opportunity to learn from life.

Key Tip: Confront yourself with the question: Is finding satisfaction for the 10% you are missing from your current relationship worth destroying the remaining 90% that's kept you around for this long?—N.B.

By Neal Boulton at 3:27PM on July 01, 2010
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Open invitations

You like to sleep in on the weekends; he likes to wake you up early to have sex, and you're over it. Now what?

Q: My partner wakes up rock hard and initiates sex with me while I am still deep asleep. I find him extremely hot and I live for what we do in bed, but at six o'clock in the morning my sleeping body is not an open invitation for sex. How do I get him on my schedule?—Alexa, Malibu, CA

A: It is very common in partnerships that one of you is on a different arousal schedule than the other. The trick is to strike a balance that works for both of you. First, discuss the problem you are having with him before it occurs again. Reassure him of your desire for him and your continuing attraction to him and the love you have for your sexual life together. You know your body better than anyone, so be very clear about how you feel in the mornings and how your body behaves when you are too groggy or sleepy. Second, sex is best when it is not scheduled, but get on a plan where it is mutually understood that sometimes, though he may want to go off to bed, he will welcome your sexual initiations; and conversely, you will welcome his in the early morning at times when all you want to do is sleep.

Key Tip: Striking a balance, giving in here, and asking him to give in a bit there, will deepen your understanding and respect for each other, and that will translate into a more intense sexual experience—at any hour of the day.—N.B.

By Neal Boulton at 7:41AM on June 28, 2010
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Big decisions

He's hung like a horse. You are having a hard time taking it. Now what?

Q: My partner is extremely well endowed. The first time we were intimate together, I looked down and said, "Jackpot." But the reality is that a large member is not for me. I found it a great novelty that has worn off and I miss more regular sized men. He's a great, fun guy, but how do I move on—just because of his anatomy?—LeAnn W., Flagstaff, AZ.

A: The ergonomics of genitals play a major role in the sexual compatibility of couples. Bottom line—if you're not comfortable during your intimate time, you need to be honest about it with yourself. Then, be honest with him—without judgement. Compromising sexually leads to the many ills that face couples, whether they are dating or married, like infidelity.Key Tip: You know what works for you. If you are not comfortable, or satisfied, you may be able to compromise and 'put up with it' for quite awhile, but in time, denying yourself what you like more will only lead to disappointment and a sexual life that you know could be much better. Size does matter, and don't feel bad, most folks like average over massive anyway.—N.B.

By Neal Boulton at 5:36PM on June 21, 2010
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You're killin' me

You live together, but the day to day is either sex, the kids, TV, or sleep because for some reason, she saves the relationship "discussions" for the phone—and it's killing your marriage. Now what?

Q: I love my wife. She's hot, she's cool, stunning in bed, and she's the best mother this father of two could hope for, but when it comes to communication, she's tongue tied in person. However, get her on the phone, or god forbid couples therapy, and two fists of guns come out pointed straight at me. How can I encourage her to bring up the little things that bug her in person when we are at home, rather than waiting for the deep knife wound like strikes on the phone after the small things build up to the point of making her spill angrily?—Michael, R., West Chester, CT.

A: First, consider yourself lucky. Most men often write to us pleading with us to advise their women to cease and desist all the "relationship" conversations because they find them useless and lame. What's more, we receive letter upon letter from women asking how they can get their men to open up more. Whichever side of the fence you're on, the letters, and your situation prove one thing—communication within long term relationships ain't easy. But it is a skill that must be practiced in order to avoid what some call a build up of resentment that often leads to unnecessary, explosive arguments.

Second, begin by establishing three rules: No heavy discussions after 9PM or first thing in the morning, if alcohol or recreational drugs have been used, or if either of you is clearly and openly tired or depressed about something, as these factors impair our judgement and can lead to hurtful comebacks and even more unnecessary and hurtful arguments that can be hard to forgive later.

But maybe the most important rule of thumb we can advise you on here is to clean the slate and begin asking more questions of your partner rather than making assumptions. "What's on your mind," or "How are you feeling," and "I can tell something is bothering you so please take a moment now and let me in before you get any more annoyed."

Finally, you can't always get what you want, but you can try—so ask your partner for what you want. "I don't want you to call me from the office and unload a month's worth of anger, I'd rather you just let me know along the way, starting from leaving the toothpaste cap off too much, to leaving my clothes all over the apartment." A few demands never hurt any marriage, and you may find that you not only facilitate the communication within your marriage, but you free your partner from the fear she may have of being a nag.

Key Tip: Ask for what you need from your partner. Compromise where compromise is due, but don't give up on working towards improving the relationship. Good things take work.—M.T.

By Neal Boulton at 4:52PM on June 16, 2010
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Pictures of you

For fleeting moments, you've thought about filming what you and your girlfriend do intimately; you never expected to walk into her bedroom to find a tripod, camera and mic set up. Now what?

Q: I've been dating my latest girlfriend for about six months now. We never discussed filming our intimate life but she is hell bent on doing so. I have often thought about it but never for more than a moment. Last night, she greeted me at the door, kissed me, and told me romantically that she had a surprise for me. She was so sultry about it I thought it might be some new lingerie or some sex toys—not a new high definition camera on a tripod with a boom mic all set up to film us having sex. Needless to say it was overwhelming, and I politely declined—though I kind of wanted to do it. Any advice for a camera shy girl?—Melissa, Phoenix, Arizona

A: Among the many things that couples explore most in the bedroom—filming their lovemaking is well within the top ten adventures, just after incorporating toys, delving into anal stimulation, and trying a threesome. Why so low on the list? It's often due to a lack of production acumen and proper equipment. Despite this, for many just the idea of being filmed is the arousing element; while for others, taking the time to craft a well made and memorable motion picture of sex with their partner is the aim. First, given the short amount of time you have been with your partner, think this through longer. Feelings change and love lost can stimulate impulsive behavior, like vindictively posting scenes from your film on the Internet. Second, if you decide to go through with it, protect yourself by having your lawyer draft a nondisclosure form and have her sign it so that you make the privacy of the film she creates a serious matter—it won't protect your reputation if she creates a viral feeding frenzy on the Internet when it gets posted somewhere, but a nondisclosure agreement will allow you to hold her accountable. Shy about introducing legalese into your intimate discussion—don't be, if she loves and respects you she will understand. If she doesn't get it, just bring a copy of A Night In Paris with you and show her how wrong filming your sex life can go.

Key Tip: If you can live with the notion of it one day appearing on Dateline then go forth and have fun—just don't look into the camera.—N.B.

Photograph by Igor Amelkovich. His prints are on sale now and worth it.

By Neal Boulton at 9:14AM on June 15, 2010
8 Comments  

Hard questions

You've been married for twenty years but she hasn't ever gone down on you—and it's killing you. Now what?

Q: I've been married to my wife for two decades. For some reason she simply won't perform phalatio on me. I can't express how much I would like her to, how much I believe I need to have this. Instead, I just masturbate to scenes of oral sex on internet porn, though it is less and less satisfying. Please advise.—Brian, Greenwich, CT.

A: The reality is, some women just won't perform phalatio. First, stop wondering why she won't and find a low stress moment before sex to discuss it. Ask the hard questions: "Is oral sex something you will ever consider?" And, get honest, "Because I really want you to do that to me." Second, hear her out—and be prepared to accept her answer. She may tell you she will never be into it. If this happens, it's important to be honest, but understanding. If you crave it, tell her it's your loss because you had always wished she would one day, but understand and accept that she won't. Conversely, your wife may just show some interest—either because you've asked for it, or because she genuinely has considered it but not known how to initiate things. Here, we ask that you take it slowly and hear her out. Does she want to because you are asking for it? If so, during sex, it is critical to also take things slowly—and be patient as things happen. There may be some explaining, or teaching required which must always happen gently and without exasperation. Finally, your wife may very much want to perform oral sex with you. But if she hasn't in twenty years, celebrate her willingness to do it now, but be patient because, again, there may be more communication and teaching required. Whatever the case may be, if she won't, might, or will—communication, patience, and rigorous honesty will make any reality acceptable.

Key Tip: Loving someone means understanding and accepting them—no matter how much it inconveniences you in bed.—N.B.

By Neal Boulton at 8:10AM on June 12, 2010
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Finger f*cking

You're having an affair with a man who does things your husband has no interest in, even after you've asked him to consider your needs more. Now what?

Q: I know it's bad, but I've found a man who I am more sexually compatible with—a man who does things to me that my husband won't. For instance, I like being talked dirty to, and I live for a man who shoves his fingers in my mouth when we're having sex. My husband won't do any of these things, but my lover will. Do I leave my marriage because I am sexually dissatisfied? Or do I stick it out and just accept that I won't get to do the things I want?—Victoria, East Hampton, NY

A: Having extramarital sexual relations takes calculation, timing, and deceit—all things that require an enormous amount of energy. Far more energy in fact than sitting your husband down, once again, and explaining that your sexual needs are simply not being met and that you are considering separating. First, weigh your options: can you afford to support yourself if you leave your marriage? The monies you may garner through litigation may take some time to arrive. In the meantime, will you be comfortable or destitute? Second, is there any way your husband might come around? Have you sat him down and gotten specific? Have you told him you want him to shove his fingers in your mouth? To talk dirty to you? If you haven't, and if you haven't been specific, then before you separate and possibly divorce, it's critical that you give him a chance to be there for you in the way you want.

Key Tip: Weigh your options carefully because a life of sexual dissatisfaction if a recipe for disaster.—N.B.

By Neal Boulton at 6:17AM on May 26, 2010
1 Comment  

Cornerstones

You're married, but you've been flirting with her for years. She's only just put two and two together. Now you're on for a sleep over this Saturday night. Only problem? You've never made love to a woman. Now what?

Q: I don't care what happens to my marriage at this point—I'm a lesbian. (It feels good finally saying that). The woman I work with at the department store has finally put it together that I'm not just being nice, that I want her. But I'm very nervous now because she's invited me over Saturday night. We have this energy togther, and I know it will lead to the bedroom. But I've never actually done anything about my sexuality. How do I fake my way through my first time with a woman, and this new life?—Patty, Wilmington, DE

A: You've just come out and not only do you deserve praise, you deserve her. First, communication in the bedroom is the key to success in the bedroom—and pleasure. Be up front with her. Have a sense of humor about it. Celebrate it. Yes! It's your first time. What you'll be amazed by is how naturally you gravitate to what feels right, what you've always wanted in the first place, and what you finally had the courage to give yourself. Second, be honest with your husband. Clearing the cob webs from all of the attic's dark corners will free you even more to explore your sexuality. Explain to him where you stand—at any cost. Doing so will clear the kind of baggage that could ultimately prevent you from walking down your new path with a level head.

Key Tip: Making love for the first time has very little to do with sex and more to do with celebrating who you are. Use this first time as a cornerstone for your new life of honesty.—C.D.

By Neal Boulton at 7:15AM on May 21, 2010
1 Comment  

Object of his affection

You're tired of being a piece of furniture in his life; there to look at, and there to make him look good. Now what?

Q: We met a year ago. He is without question an older, rugged, and seriously handsome man. We fell in love fast, but after he acquired me, the love seemed to stop, and it was one event after another with me on his arm, there to make him look good. I'm tired of just being a fancy piece of furniture in his life. How do I get him to see the man he fell in love with and come back?—Jeffrey, New York, NY

A: Sadly, some men acquire other men—usually attractive, younger men—as sport to boost their ego and make themselves look more virile without thinking about the impact their behavior has on their partners. First, take a moment, a long moment, and be honest with yourself: Is this man, and this relationship, worth risking possibly years of feeling like a trophy wife? Feeling cheap and like an object? I have always prescribed communication with your partner for all sorts of relationship harships, but the reality is your partner may warm back up to you—only to slip back into using you, your good looks, as a way to make himself look good socially and among his friends. Second, whether you decide to leave him, or to stay, break the cycle. Deny him the arm candy. If he has an event, plan a different one for yourself to attend. Quiet night at home in which you're ignored? Get out and reconnect with those friends that you disappeared from when you met him. Of course, there will be questions. There are anytime an unhealthy cycle is broken. Be honest. His reaction to your issues may just be the key to helping you make up your mind about being the object of his affection, or the hot young man who doesn't appreciate being objectified.

Key Tip: Respect yourself, no matter who you offend in the process.—N.B.

By Neal Boulton at 5:42AM on April 17, 2010
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"My boyfriend is amazing, He's OK with the fact that sometimes, instead of sex, I just have to have him in my mouth while I'm masturbating. It's purely selfish. He simply provides me a hard cock, and I feast on it while I jerk off.—Mike, Salt Lake City, UT

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