Bastard Life

Gay men have known it for decades. Sex researchers Masters & Johnson, who made 1960s history by inviting heterosexual and homosexual couples into their research rooms to watch them have sex, were struck by how nipple play marked the difference between gay and straight sex. Nearly 75% of the gay couples Masters & Johnson observed, compared with the barely 11% of heterosexual couples, began their lovemaking with nipple stimulation.

Indeed, unlike the penis, which can be placed strategically to give as well as receive pleasure, our male nipples keep us on the receiving end. It is this that makes nipples a delight or, for those who’d rather stay firmly in the driver’s seat of sexual pleasure, a threat—and possibly the very reason fewer heterosexual men favored nipple play in the 1960s Masters & Johnson's study.

Other men simply didn't consider their nipples part of an erogenous zone. In fact, many men describe being taught about their nipples by a partner, though you can also teach yourself. We advise that you take it extremely slow, as in "in slow motion," until you figure out what level of stimulation suits you best. For some, a simple grazing with moistened fingertips is very stimulating; others crave harder pulling, or tugging on the chest hair that sometimes surrounds them. Still others apply clamps or enjoy pinching. And if you've never explored your nipples, you're in for a treat, and a surprise, because the more you play, the more erect they will become, and it's this raising of the nipple that we call the active ingredient making them the last great bastion of sexual pleasure on a man's body.

Yes, gay men have known it for decades, but gay, straight, or bi: exploring your—or ladies exploring your man's—nipples may prove the difference between stunning sex and fabulous sex.—N.B.

Sorry I ruined your life. "Guess it just comes with the territory," Bryant said while a giant Manhattan citiscape filled his expansive panoramic office window behind him. He's referring to the rolodex of women his wife recently found out about—and how she's leaving him because one of them is pregnant with his child. "You get all of this," he says gesturing to the Mies van der Rohe leather and chrome furniture surrounding us, and the view, "and you top it off with extra marital sex with women—who want men who have all of this."

Of course Bryant is not alone; hell, a man with a mistress is nothing new. In fact, 72% of married men claim to have had at least one mistress during the course of their marriage. But it's a pervasiveness that's odd when you consider the one thing all of these men have in common is the fact that eventually they will get caught, 81% of them will anyway.

Over enough time, a species adapts to the changes in it's environment so that it can survive—webbed feet to swim, legs to walk, thumbs to grip food—so how is it man has yet to adapt such that his oldest pastime can survive without his wife finding out? BastardLife interviewed seven women who claimed they'd served as extramarital bedfellows to several men and they shared some chilling reasons why men, and Bryant in particular, may never have a fighting chance.

God made hotels for a reason. "Bryant needs to know that by coming to my place he's more likely to leave his DNA behind in either a discarded condom, hair on the pillow, or his lip print on the glass of wine we share. And I keep that stuff—it may be worth something down the road."—Melinda, Washington, D.C.

Learn to love latex. "It's likely I am not on the pill or practicing any other form of birth control even if I say I am, so if Bryant doesn't pull out I'll probably keep his baby if it comes to that. (Our emails and phone records are proof enough for me to get a court ordered paternity test)."—Sophia, Boston, MA.

Don't email her—ever. "I say I've deleted all of your emails—but I probably haven't. When I click 'reply' on an old note of yours in which you've gushed about how amazing my pussy is leave it to fate that that's the one Bryant's wife discovers while he's out jogging in Central Park."—Lauren, New York, NY.

Get a second secret Blackberry with a new number. "You've made the rules clear, 'Radio Silence' means don't text you on your Blackberry—even if I'm dying," but drunk I do anyway while you're on vacation with your wife and kids. It's the one that Bryant's wife finds because it's laying on the dinner table while he's in the shower."—Kendra, Los Angeles, CA.

Play—without getting played. "Sometimes you pull away and it annoys me. Instead of running after you I pull away and withhold sex. It's a great way of manipulating you. I also see other men but I'm vague when you ask me about it. Another good trick because though I'm pretty much exclusively your mistress, it gets you jealous. After a year of this you're professing your love for me just to keep me closer. That's when you get sloppy—and Bryant's wife finds out because of the credit card he said he'd never use but did anyway hastily for a hotel room because I'd withheld sex from him for a month to drive him mad and it worked."—Alexa, Houston, TX.

Don't shit where you eat. "It's always hotter when we're having an affair in the same city where we both live. And if you're hot, and rich, and well known, I can't help but brag about you out at night tipsy to my girlfriends. After enough time doing this, word gets out of course—but it rarely gets back to the wives. Emboldened by this we both get a bit cocky about carrying on right under her nose. Eventually, Bryant's wife either bumps into us out, or he's spotted by one of her friends with me when he's supposed to be out of town on business. If we're together long enough, I'll show up wasted at his home after a fight we've had. Though fun, same city cheating can really get ugly."—Clara, New York, NY.

No really, learn to love latex. "I've had herpes for years but I have never ever passed it along to anyone—so, I don't tell my men about it even though we never use condoms. I'm very good at knowing when I'm about to have a outbreak so I don't think there is any reason for worry. I'm equally as good at knowing when I'm ovulating so I let him cum inside of me most of the time because I've never been wrong and gotten pregnant. I hate being on the pill so I don't take it, though I tell my men I do just so they don't worry madly. I also have HPV but I am asymptomatic so, again, I see no reason to alarm him. In this worst case senario we're painting, I could see Bryant being that one guy who either get's me pregnant or passes along HPV or herpes to his wife unknowingly. But like I've said, that's never happened."—Asha, San Francisco, CA.

The phone on Bryant's desk rings for the third or fourth time since sitting down with him to talk. This time, he lights up and grabs the black receiver with a jolt of electicity, only to dim when he says, "I thought it was Heather," his wife of 21 years who hasn't called, or taken his calls, for nearly 8 months. "It was only the nanny, my youngest daughter has a bloody nose. Guess it just comes with the territory."—C.D.

Jack'd. Studies show that the higher the concentration of fat in a man's body, the lower his testosterone level—the active agent of his libido—will be. And a lower testosterone level leads to only one thing: softer erections. How can you pump up your testosterone level and your sexual stamina?  Full body, free weight workouts every other day in conjuntion with consuming 5-6 small meals a day of food high in fiber to keep your appetite in check, and high in protein to provide you with the necessary nutrition for muscle sustenance and growth—growth that will be the key to raising your testosterone levels and jacking up your ability to get it and keep it harder longer.—R.T.

The 7 lies every guy's got to master. Some women admit that honesty is not always the best policy, especially when it ruins the relationships in their lives. "I never ask Michael anything I don't want the answer to. It's just an understanding we have," Lisa told me after sharing that she suspects her husband is sleeping with a women they had a threesome with about a month ago. "But I just won't ask, and if he does tell me, I'll slap him and ask, 'Why didn't you just lie?'"

Lisa was clear, she didn't want a marriage of only lies, nor did she want Michael to stray—but if he was fooling around behind her back she definitely did not want the truth. "Look, I know men stray, so if and when he does there are a handful of lies he simply has got to master if he is going to keep me around," she said. Intrigued, we rounded up the when and the how to lie—some from Lisa and some from about ten other women we interviewed. We decided not to include the woman Michael is doing on his lunch breaks in a nearby hotel.

When is it time to lie? Lisa is no stranger to suspicion, but she offers her men amnesty--if they know when to lie.

"Were you at a strip club last night?" Lisa says, "Lie!"

"If I died, would you go out with her?" Lie.

"This photograph shows you kissing her in front of a hotel in midtown." Lie, even if there are pictures.

"Was she good? Were her breasts bigger than mine? Did you make her cum?" If yes is the answer to any of these Lisa says, "Take them to the grave."

How are you suggesting I lie? You've been caught, red-handed. But Lisa says there's a way out for her men--if they know how to lie.

"Ok, I did sleep with her. But it made me realize that I can indeed be monogamous with you, and that I am in love with you."

"She was fun in bed, yes. But there was no intimacy and all I could do was race home to be with you."

"Yes, I saw her again. But only to make it clear I never wanted to see her again."

Before Lisa was threw, her husband Michael arrived home from work. He was a tall man with rugged features and elegant clothing. When he leaned in to kiss her hello, she said, "Hey sweetheart how was your day?" while winking at me. He caught the wink, and winked back, grinning, and slyly said, "One of my best days actually, thanks for asking."—W.T.

The love dance. The deeply in love know it all too well: You say things like, "Fuck it," slam a door, grab your keys and leave (for a couple of hours); You yell out angrily, "I wish we'd never met," then rip her clothes off and proceed to have amazing angry sex that she thanks you for later; He screams, "I hate you, I really fucking hate you and if you ever leave me, I'll kill you," as he cries, accepting your tissue, then later your embrace. What the deeply in love don't always know is how to fight fair; but those of you who did, helped us out.—N.B.

Curfew It: Becky from Quebec advises, "Don't let anger stay out past eight or nine O'clock. Being tired, and cranky, makes for cranky arguing that can turn mean unintentionally."

Bomb Shelter It. Tim from Miami writes, "OK, once you're in argument autopilot mode, at the very least, don't drop any bombshell announcements, pronouncements, or hurtful confessions. Save those for calmer happier times. Too much truth can be a nasty weapon."

Breathalize It. Vikki from Leeds says, "Reschedule the fight. Really. Stop it by saying, 'I am happy to have this fight with you, but I'll have to reschedule it for another time when you haven't been drinking.' Because, as we all know, a belly full of pints makes Johnny an angrier arguer."

Terminate It. Jason from LA wraps it up quite nicely with, "The more vulnerable and in love I am, the more intense I fight. But I make it a rule to get out the hard stuff about how I feel, rather than the easier finger pointing stuff that seems like it will lessen my embarrassment or fear due to being so vulnerable. When I force myself to talk about how my feelings were hurt, or how I felt stupid, or how vulnerable I feel, sure I feel like a pussy, but I don't wake up angry the next morning."

Before you start racking them up this Sumner, take some good advice, or at least some healthy reminders, from your fellow BastardLife readers who recently shared their hook up experience, strength, and tips with us.—N.B.+ C.D.

Be your own bartender. No one leaves their drink alone any more if they're smart. Or do they? Chivalry calls for those of us who take the lead in courtship to be the one to offer the date, dinner, or drink. First, if you accept the latter, just make sure you tell the bartender how to make it, watch him do it—and have him hand it to you, as you thank your suitor for the kind gesture. Second, if you are at a private function (your suitor's home, or at a house party where the guests make their own drinks) and you accept the gentlemanly offer of a drink, accompany him or her to the cocktail table, but man up and show him you know how to make it yourself.

Susan from Toledo recently wrote us, "After a long day at the Detroit Auto Show checking out new cars and hot boy chassises, I went to an after party. A nice young fella started chatting me up, and then got us a couple of drinks. Somewhere from the time my cocktail left the bartender's care and I downed it, something extra had been slipped in. It only took a moment for the guy to pick up the drinks and walk them across the room to me, but it was enough time for this fella to dose mine. I started feeling a little woozy in just a couple minutes, so I quickly headed for the exit escorted by a nice lesbian friend who was trying to keep me safe."

Use the buddy system. Before heading out of the bar, or hotel, or hitting the town with a new suitor for a little adventure, text your best friend to let her know where you're going and with whom. Try to get a peak at your intrigue's driver's license by feigning disbelief at his age, then text your pal his name and any other info you can quickly glean.

Richard from Miami told us, "A very handsome man I hooked up with asked me for a nightcap at my hotel while I was visiting San Francisco. As we were chatting I found him almost too charming to be real. When I asked him his age, he told me the truth—but I only knew it when I nearly slapped him and made him take out his license to prove it, threatening that he wouldn't get any if he didn't show it to me. It wasn't the date of birth however that I memorized—it was his full name and address that I cleverly texted my best friend back home."

Stay on your own turf. Don't get into someone else's car. Go back to your place, not hers. It's always safer to be in familiar places.

Katie of Dallas explained to us, "I was visiting New York City and I hooked up with a woman who was tough and knew exactly what she wanted: me. I succumbed and found myself at her apartment. I had no idea where I was because I didn't know my way around New York. The subways were baffling to me. When she ended up being far too aggressive for me, I opted to leave. I got a bit lost on the train and then couldn't find a cab for more than an hour in the cold before I finally got back to the place where I was staying."

Keep tabs on your tricks. Don't leave a trick unsupervised (even for a moment) in your hotel room or home, as some tricks are not our friends.

Michael from London writes, "Years ago I made this mistake, leaving what seemed an extremely trustworthy (and insanely hot) lad in my hotel room while I attended a business function. When I returned, he was gone and I had two adult films and a steak dinner charged to my bill."

Secure your valuables. Most hotel rooms have a safe for a reason. Use it to store cash reserves, important documents like passports, and luxury items that can't be replaced.

Gavin from New York shared, "At a recent conference, a friend and I engaged in a hook-up-gone-wrong! We were at an edgy bar in Paris where we picked up two gals and brought them back to our elegant hotel room. After the girls got us drunk off our asses and kept us intrigued by making out with each other and us for hours, my buddy and I fell asleep. When we woke up, the girls were gone, as were our wallets—and our pride."

Bring your own condom, and put it on him—yourself. Not only can this be one more hot facet to connecting to your new partner, it also insures that he hasn't tampered with the condom. It also gives you an opportunity to inspect the product and confirm that the tip hasn't been bitten off (yes, this happens—some men nip the tip of the condom off so that their penis will push through the hole during intercourse. Because the recipient feels the outer edge of the condom on the base of his partners penis he is duped into thinking the condom is on properly). Also, it's been reported that some fellas have punctured condoms to weaken them in hopes that their head will pop through as well. If you are the one handling the condom package, press the package to make sure it doesn't have any air leaks. Tear open the package (use your nails, not your teeth). Wet the head of his cock, and for a little extra special treatment, add a couple drops of lube to the inside tip of the condom to make his experience one notch better, so to speak. After you're both done, be the one to take off the condom to be sure it was intact. If you notice any problems or you feel fluids have been exchanged, see your doctor as there are several morning-after prescriptions for both STD and pregnancy prevention on the market.

Key Tip: Think your hook ups through, be safe—then have fun.

Trustworthy. At a sun drenched, rustic cafe in San Francisco's North Beach, Lisa Wilson removes her glasses after ordering a caesar salad and slowly rubs her bright green eyes as if she's groggy. I order the same. "It's just a nightmare," she says about it. But it's not fatigue from a lack of sleep Lisa talks to us about, it's exhaustion after learning about the two year affair her lover, Melinda, has been having behind her back. "I'm not sure if I can move on from this one," she added. "It's the trust. I don't think I'll ever trust her again." When she returns the rich brown horn-rimmed frames to her eyes, she's restored her solid, executive like composure. "My biggest question these days is, when will the wound heal?"

Lisa is not alone we tell her, in fact, one of the most common questions we receive at BastardLife is the hardest one of all to answer, "When will I trust my partner after an affair?"

Why one of the hardest questions to answer? Affairs, like domestic violence and other forms of abuse, are complex, often presenting symptoms far in advance, and often presenting, often ignored, dangerous behavior by the perpetrator.

But it's not about when you'll trust Melinda again we tell Lisa, it's about why you might not want to; not about why this happened, we add, but how—and how you can prevent it from happening again. Listening, Lisa removes her glasses again, anxious for our lunch to arrive so that we can change the subject.

Denial
47% of victims of adultery fail to admit, even to themselves, that there is a "problem," despite their suspician, and their gut feeling that there is a problem. What's more, people who suspect cheating, and who begin to see new behaviors like working later hours, working on weekends, and carring far more about their appearance than before—often offer excuses for their partner's behavior and usually think, "It will go away."

Guilt
When someone in a relationship finally acknowledges that there is a problem, 42% very privately consider themsleves responsible for it. In fact, these same people often feel, though rarely admit, that they "deserve" to be cheated on because they feel they have certain defects in character or that they have not lived up to their partner's expectations.

Enlightenment
Only when a person in a relationship no longer assumes responsibility for their partner's abusive treatment, can they recognize that no one "deserves" to be abused like this. Still, about 61% remain committed to their relationships post adultery and stay with their partners—hoping they can work things out, despite that they don't trust them. 79% report that their partner's cheat on them again months later.

Responsibility
Thankfully, an overwhelming 82% who have been the victim of adultery agree: recognizing the fact that your partner probably will not, or can not, stop their deceitful behavior, is the key to your freedom, and allows you to decide, once and for all, that you will no longer submit to it—from anyone—and start a new life. Wise, considering the fact that 67% of people who were caught cheating admit that they would have continued, had they not been discovered. What could be worse than that? 47% of Americans in 2010 have admitted to adultery.

We couldn't tell Lisa when she would trust Melinda again—or more importantly, if she should. But we could assure her that the wound she asked about would heal. Though, we couldn't help warn her, as our salad dressing coated lunch dishes were cleared away, that in relationships, healing often means forgetting, like nothing ever happened.—R.T.

"Never." That's what Elizabeth Reuter said when we asked her if she would try to practice safer oral sex by using a condom; Rick Simmons just said, "Yuck." Still, many of you have written in asking about everything from how dangerous oral sex really is, to how to go about choosing the perfect oral sex skins. The truth is, oral sex has it's risks: To avoid some danger, spit or swallow immediately; to avoid all risk, don't do him at all; to avoid as much danger as possible while still having fun, find a good condom and use it—it may just be your ticket to dodging a bullet. Learning to love latex is not easy, but these tips may help.

Avoid condoms with Nonoxynol-9, as spermicidal lubricated condoms will cause your tongue to go numb; plus, they taste disgusting.

Some flavored condoms are made just for "fun" safe sex, others are just novelty items, most of them are hideous; rather, try flavored lubes (that you slather on a plain latex condom) like dulce de leche, mojito peppermint, pomegranate vanilla, or chocolate orange available at stores like Babeland where you can taste test each flavor. We tried them all and, really, they tasted great.

Remember to stay clear of oil-based food products as oral sex aids when using latex condoms; oil and latex don't mix, as it can degrade the material and leave you unprotected.

The thinner the better, the condom that is, because as well know, with thin condoms you can feel more of the contours of your partners anatomy, and most importantly, his body's natural temperature—the key ingredient making oral sex pleasurable. In a blind test, Durex condoms, yes an advertiser on BastardLife, did in fact score the highest with us; but it was because they didn't taste like anything, and they have the thinnest FDA approved condom on the market so it didn't feel like we were sucking on a hard, bland latex balloon.

Later, Elizabeth Reuter echoed what Rick told us, "I know there is a risk in not using a condom, but it's a risk I'm willing to take."—O.P.

He's positive; you're not. Now what?

Q: "My partner is positive, but I'm not. I love him, but often wonder if I'm in the right relationship. How do I reconcile this?"—Donny, Abilene, TX

A: By 2010 in the United States 47% of gay male couples are engaged in sero incompatible relationships. In some cases, neither party is aware of this; while in others, the truth has long been known. Almost always, it brings up issues—issues many of your fellow readers know a thing or two about dealing with.

Shock

Barry of Greenwhich, CT told us, "When I first learned that my partner was positive I raced to the clinic to get tested, sure that I would be also. But I wasn't. When I got home I found myself in a predicament: I loved my partner, but certainly had not imagined this type of arrangement."

Acceptance

Richard of Houston, TX said, "As I got used to my circumstances, I began to accept that my partner was positive. We had always engaged in safe sex, so, this just meant we needed to continue to. Still, I worried about his health. How long would I have him? Now, after years of being together still, years in which I have continued to test negative, I can see that the new medicines that improve each year are going far in keeping him healthy."

Action

Thomas from Brooklyn, NY explained to us, "I took action. I knew there would easily be a number of issues that might come up. I didn't have it. Wouldn't that be an issue for him in some way just as him having it was an issue for me? I am no psychiatrist, so I got us into both group counseling and couples counseling to stem the tide—or tidal wave—of any issues that may threaten our union. The great news is that, things did come up, but things we got a chance to deal with with the help of a professional. We are together now 18 years."

Strategy

Kent from Laguna Beach, CA told us, "Four years ago I woke up. It was day twenty of being single AND positive, and I had the question I know is very common, "How do I date now?" My sick fear was of infecting someone else. I remained a shut in for months, and if I did go out, I blew off any advances. Over time I thought I would go crazy. I needed to get back out there. That's when I got the facts. Exactly what were the chances of spreading this shit to others? I found out that it was virtually impossible to spread it through my saliva through kissing, to insist on my partner using a condom when going down on me as oral sex was less of a risk than intercourse, BUT STILL a risk, and to absolutely always use a condom and pull our before climaxing during anal sex because the chances were highest during this type of sex. The facts freed me—and I've been on the market having fun dating ever since."

Living

Frank from Long Island, NY said, "I've had a lot of time to get used to the fact that I am HIV positive. My partner also left me when he found out. Now, I date but when I do, and I recommend this, I tell my date pretty much right away that I'm positive. I've been rejected a few times, but the sting doesn't hurt nearly as much at the beginning of a relationship as it does after a long one."

Going Oral. Women cream; men shoot, you love it all. But like so many of you out there who have written to us, you wonder, "How can I enjoy tasting my partner when all they want is intercourse.

Well, without fail, your fellow BastardLife readers had a few tips for you.—N.B.

Back in the Saddle. "My partner wants to just get to intercourse most of the time as well, but I found that if I lay on my back and let him nearly sit on my chest like a saddle while I suck him, he gets hugely turned on. I make sure to masturbate while he feeds his cock into my mouth and while I am sucking him. He likes the view of me looking up with him in my mouth like that. And, because I am always about to cum he likes that look of hunger and pleasure on my face. For me it's about living for the moment he shoots in my mouth and on my lips, and when he does, I let myself climax as well, making the orgasm we are both having that much more intense. Then we fuck."—Thomas, Boston, MA

69 Me. "My girlfriend loves when I strap on a dildo and slowly go inside of her while she masturbates; I love seeing it. But I live to drink from her amazing pussy. It's an old move, but before I give her the crescendo she wants, I lay her down and move on top of her with my face lapping her up. I lick up her wetness, and I always glide one, then two fingers inside of her and bring her to a sloppy climax that I live to drink. 69ing is an old move, but a good one."—Lisa, Dallas, TX

I Submit. "My husband and I take turns doing this, always arguing playfully about who gets to swallow. I get completely naked, but I make sure he's fully dressed, preferably in a suit. I get on my knees, holding and stroking my cock the entire time, and look up to his crotch as he unzips his trousers and pulls out his cock. When I suck him, I jerk off and get so turned on that I'm practically begging for his cum. Then we switch and he goes down on me, pretending to be a closeted married man sucking on my hustler dick. If I get lucky, which I got recently, I get back down on my knees to devour his cock more. And because he's my husband, he waits and watches, timing his warm ejaculation for that moment when he sees in my eyes I'm about to climax. Then he explodes, and then I do—and my orgasm intensifies how good his cum feels in my mouth and how amazing he tastes."—Andrew, Miami, FL.

The Dismount. My boyfriend performs sexual gymnastics on me. He goes down on me; I cum. He pounds inside of me in every position; I cum again. But nothing is better than when he says it. That's when I start to work my clit. And after a good long fuck he says it again, "Open your mouth," as he goes from doing me hard missionary style to draining the cum from his cock into my mouth while I climax again. For me, it's like sexual happy hour."—Alita, Brooklyn, NY