You've led a straight life, but more and more lately you find yourself interested in being intimate with men. One in particular, too. Now what?
Q: "I work on a cattle ranch in Montana where gay life is surprisingly not looked down upon, but where there just isn't alot of it around. I have always been lucky with girls (there aren't many of those either around where I live and work); but a man has appeared in my life from one of the other ranches and it is obvious that he is attracted to me. He's been cool about it, and discrete, but I have found myself so attracted and curious about taking the next step with him to the point of constant distraction. I just don't know how to handle this—I have never been intimate with a man. And does this mean I am gay?"—Steven, MT
A: Over 43% of single men in the U.S. who have been open and honest with their partners about having had homosexual experiences do not identify themselves as bisexual or homosexual. This is partly due to the way in which the need to identify as other than straight has relaxed. In many cases of out gay men between the ages of 25-35, 'coming out,' once the the largest rite of passage into gay life, is a non-event if it even happens at all. First, stay focused on the feelings you are having, rather than whether you are gay, straight, or bisexual. Take a private moment to remember that intimate desire is an experience to celebrate, not question, or judge yourself. In other words, don't fight it, follow your instincts and see what happens. Second, get practical—purchase the Joy of Gay Sex, and read up about safe sex as well. Many first time sexuality experiences include one to two unsafe sexual mistakes, so let your guard down enough to experience this amazing new feeling you have discovered, but keep your wits about you if and when the two of you become intimate.
Key Tip: Today, the need to label oneself is less important than it was in the past, freeing you to experience whatever you like without the pressure of identifying in or out of any group. Get plugged into the possibilities by reading more about your desire, in this case intimacy with a man. Let go, be safe, and enjoy.—N.B.
Photograph by Dennis Dean
