You've been married for twenty years but she hasn't ever gone down on you—and it's killing you. Now what?
Q: I've been married to my wife for two decades. For some reason she simply won't perform phalatio on me. I can't express how much I would like her to, how much I believe I need to have this. Instead, I just masturbate to scenes of oral sex on internet porn, though it is less and less satisfying. Please advise.—Brian, Greenwich, CT.
A: The reality is, some women just won't perform phalatio. First, stop wondering why she won't and find a low stress moment before sex to discuss it. Ask the hard questions: "Is oral sex something you will ever consider?" And, get honest, "Because I really want you to do that to me." Second, hear her out—and be prepared to accept her answer. She may tell you she will never be into it.
Conversely, your wife may just show some interest—either because you've asked for it, or because she genuinely has considered it but not known how to initiate things. Here, we ask that you take it slowly and hear her out. Does she want to because you are asking for it? If so, during sex, it is critical to also take things slowly—and be patient as things happen. There may be some explaining, or teaching required which must always happen gently and without exasperation.
Finally, your wife may very much want to perform oral sex with you. But if this is new territory for her, celebrate her willingness to do it, but be patient because, again, there may be more communication and teaching required. Whatever the case may be, if she won't, might, or will—communication, patience, and rigorous honesty will make any reality acceptable.
Key Tip: Loving someone means understanding and accepting them—no matter how much it inconveniences you in bed.—N.B.