Love and War. "The date was great," Julia from New York told BastardLife, "the flirting and courting felt exhilarating. The first kiss—stunning. But what I wasn't prepared for was the all out mental warfare after the sex. Calling too much, then not calling at all. Being unavailable, then drunk dialing me for a booty call. Leaning way into the idea of getting serious, then disappearing without as much as a call."
Sound familiar? It did to the 1,397 BastardLife readers who we polled.
Dan, 28, of Atlanta said, "The sex was staggering it was so good, but she just wasn't into getting serious or having a boyfriend. I wish she had told me that. Later she told me she didn't want to hurt my feelings. But the problem with that was that she pretended to be interested in more than sex, but as soon as I wanted to take her on dates and do things out of the bedroom, she wouldn't return my calls, or she'd change plans the day of the date we were supposed to have. And phone calls? If I'd texted or left a message after sex I got used to never getting a returned call or text—not even one of those quick, short post-sex notes. I lived through her for about a month then decided it wasn't worth waging war over it.
Roxy, 25, from Seattle told us, "I don't understand the push and pull that occurs in a relationship after sex—and the better it was, the weirder he'd get afterwards. Odd, because everyone knows that I don't "girl-out" on guys—never have. I am a pro at having hot sex then moving on without emotions. And I was more than cool being that way with him. Why then, after really hot sex, was he always demonstrably distant, and sometimes even rude? I told him once, 'David, you're getting all emotion about this. It's sex. We're having fun. I don't want anything more from you.' But that's when it all came pouring out. He yelled that he was in love and wanted more than just sex. I didn't laugh, but I did later: Just when I get used to the fact that guys pretty much just want to get laid—here comes one who, like every girl I know, gets angry because they want more and I don't."
Stewart, 47, of Houston said, "Love is a battlefield—because the emotions that come up after sex and in close, intimate relationships where trust is what allows you to let yourself be vulnerable also make you (fiercely) protective of your heart. So protective that you give up on those who you feel are not on the same page as you, or chase them to try and sway them your way. When two people are not on the same page, where one wants to trust and get vulnerable but the other only wants a fuck buddy, the clashes come from feeling hurt by rejection, or just scared that this 'freindship' will have far more than just benefits.—N.B.