&Follow SJoin OnSugar

Straight, Gay, or Bi, Neal Boulton's BastardLife.com is the only online sex & relationships magazine for all of us.

Tits & Knees

She's gotta have it. "I'm a simple girl; I don't sleep around too much, and when I can snag one, I keep my boyfriends around for as long as I can. Keep them around that is so I can live out my favorite fantasy. Sure I love him inside of me. But I don't need to get on all fours and pounded, and I don't need to be bent in a million positions and whispered to with dirty language. What I need once in awhile, what I ache for during my day at work, what I get wet thinking about is working my clit while he slathers his tongue all over my breasts. The way he sucks, and grabs them, the way he licks them until they're so hard I nearly climax just to relieve the pressure. But I always wait. I stop myself from cumming because my fantasy isn't complete until I get on my knees and devour all of his cock while I'm climaxing. And usually, that's when he does too."—Laura, Miami, FL.

By Neal Boulton at 1:13AM on August 31, 2013

The Condom Cure?

Clocking In. Using a condom to prevent a rapid climax is about as old as the history of condoms. "I'll take intercourse without a condom any day," Matthew F., of New York told BastardLife, "but the added benefit of using them with girls I don't know is that I can impress them with a longer session because I'm wearing one."

The science here is simple: putting a thin layer of latex between the penis and whomever you are having intercourse with lessens the stimulation of the nerve endings, thereby delaying climax. "You can forget about one of my porn star four hour sessions though if I'm not wearing one, "David L., of Santa Cruz, CA said. "And expect an even shorter session if I'm condomless and I haven't had sex in awhile."

For some men, achieving climax with a condom on is nealry impossible, as are erections, because of the inherent pleasure-reducing nature of the condom itself, especially for men who are used to intercourse without them. "Before my wife and I split," Eric J., of Bangor, MA told us, "I hadn't used a condom in ten years. Then we split and I started dating again and, naturally, started using condoms. To my horror, for the first year of being back on the market, every time I'd slip on a condom my erection would disappear, or worse, I'd keep it but never be able to climax."

For men who have Premature Ejaculation Syndrome, know that there is no scientific evidence it is caused by over-sensitive nerve endings in the penis, thus condoms are not a cure for that condition. In fact, studies have shown that men with PE have the same sensitivity in their penis that men without PE have.

"Thing is though," Daniel E., of Miami who has PE explained, "I have extended the amount of time I can have intercourse to the point where my PE is no longer an embarrassment thanks to condoms. They may not have cured me, but they sure have helped."—R.R.

By Neal Boulton at 1:13AM on August 31, 2013

Love is a Battlefield

Love and War. "The date was great," Julia from New York told BastardLife, "the flirting and courting felt exhilarating. The first kiss—stunning. But what I wasn't prepared for was the all out mental warfare after the sex. Calling too much, then not calling at all. Being unavailable, then drunk dialing me for a booty call. Leaning way into the idea of getting serious, then disappearing without as much as a call."

Sound familiar? It did to the 1,397 BastardLife readers who we polled. 

Dan, 28, of Atlanta said, "The sex was staggering it was so good, but she just wasn't into getting serious or having a boyfriend. I wish she had told me that. Later she told me she didn't want to hurt my feelings. But the problem with that was that she pretended to be interested in more than sex, but as soon as I wanted to take her on dates and do things out of the bedroom, she wouldn't return my calls, or she'd change plans the day of the date we were supposed to have. And phone calls? If I'd texted or left a message after sex I got used to never getting a returned call or text—not even one of those quick, short post-sex notes. I lived through her for about a month then decided it wasn't worth waging war over it.

Roxy, 25, from Seattle told us, "I don't understand the push and pull that occurs in a relationship after sex—and the better it was, the weirder he'd get afterwards. Odd, because everyone knows that I don't "girl-out" on guys—never have. I am a pro at having hot sex then moving on without emotions. And I was more than cool being that way with him. Why then, after really hot sex, was he always demonstrably distant, and sometimes even rude? I told him once, 'David, you're getting all emotion about this. It's sex. We're having fun. I don't want anything more from you.' But that's when it all came pouring out. He yelled that he was in love and wanted more than just sex. I didn't laugh, but I did later: Just when I get used to the fact that guys pretty much just want to get laid—here comes one who, like every girl I know, gets angry because they want more and I don't."

Stewart, 47, of Houston said, "Love is a battlefield—because the emotions that come up after sex and in close, intimate relationships where trust is what allows you to let yourself be vulnerable also make you (fiercely) protective of your heart. So protective that you give up on those who you feel are not on the same page as you, or chase them to try and sway them your way. When two people are not on the same page, where one wants to trust and get vulnerable but the other only wants a fuck buddy, the clashes come from feeling hurt by rejection, or just scared that this 'freindship' will have far more than just benefits.—N.B.

By Neal Boulton at 10:24AM on August 01, 2013

Hard Questions

You've been married for twenty years but she hasn't ever gone down on you—and it's killing you. Now what?

Q: I've been married to my wife for two decades. For some reason she simply won't perform phalatio on me. I can't express how much I would like her to, how much I believe I need to have this. Instead, I just masturbate to scenes of oral sex on internet porn, though it is less and less satisfying. Please advise.—Brian, Greenwich, CT.

A: The reality is, some women just won't perform phalatio. First, stop wondering why she won't and find a low stress moment before sex to discuss it. Ask the hard questions: "Is oral sex something you will ever consider?" And, get honest, "Because I really want you to do that to me." Second, hear her out—and be prepared to accept her answer. She may tell you she will never be into it.

Conversely, your wife may just show some interest—either because you've asked for it, or because she genuinely has considered it but not known how to initiate things. Here, we ask that you take it slowly and hear her out. Does she want to because you are asking for it? If so, during sex, it is critical to also take things slowly—and be patient as things happen. There may be some explaining, or teaching required which must always happen gently and without exasperation.

Finally, your wife may very much want to perform oral sex with you. But if this is new territory for her, celebrate her willingness to do it, but be patient because, again, there may be more communication and teaching required. Whatever the case may be, if she won't, might, or will—communication, patience, and rigorous honesty will make any reality acceptable.

Key Tip: Loving someone means understanding and accepting them—no matter how much it inconveniences you in bed.—N.B.

By Neal Boulton at 11:39AM on July 23, 2013

Slowing it Down

Often when I'm having intercourse with my girlfriend I don't thrust back and forth much at all. I stay in as deeply as I can and just press hard, then harder, then pull out a tiny bit—only to press in again for long hard moments. It's the only way she will cum in fact. Pile driving just won't work for her. And my orgasm? Staggeringly more intense than if I were pumping like a jackrabbit."

William D., Lubbock, TX

By Neal Boulton at 5:52PM on July 14, 2013

Editor's Letter

At BastardLife we feel that everyday is an opportunity to deepen your relationship...

You Ask You Advise

For you, it's not sex unless it gets anal and he's new to it...


In a poll of 10,135 BastardLife readers, 71% of you said you've had great sex outdoors.


I found ways to go longer. Fun ways, in fact...

Kiss & Tell

For some of my girlfriends, going down on men is exactly what the term suggest, but for me...

In the Life

"I hate about trolling for online sex: Too many guys playing email tag and...

Readers Write In

She has a tongue that, when she licks and tickles me, blows my mind. She sucks my...

ibooks on BastardLife




BastardLife is produced by Periodical Ink
Theme design and layout by Sabrina H. Eldredge