Neal Boulton's BastardLife

Pit Stops. In a poll of 4,139 male BastardLife readers, 41% of you told us that you had no shame cruising and hooking up in the bathrooms of hotels, malls or bars.

"I used to love meeting guys in the lower-level bathroom of a very upscale hotel in Boston," Timothy E., of the same city told BastardLife.

Edward C., of Rockville, Maryland said, "My hometown mall has a very 'busy' second floor bathroom next to the Bloomingdale's. Boys galore."

Hilariously, over 53% of you ruled out the roadside rest stop for your bathroom stall romps citing them, as George W., from New Jersey told us, "Below my standards. A boy-bar bathroom is more my style." "—M.T.

You live for cunnilingus, but your man doesn't. Now what?

Q: "I absolutely cannot live without receiving oral sex. I am with a fabulous guy who is just not as sexually open as I am and has always been with very submissive women. I am much more aggressive and have an anything goes sexual appetite.
In previous relationships, my vagina has been referred to as "one of the four major food groups" they were down there so much, so I know it's not me when my current man just won't go down on me. He just seems anti-oral. How can I encourage him to give it a shot?"—Jennifer T., Austin, TX

A: It's always disappointing when I hear about these kinds of men. It reminds me of the boasting straight character in True Romance who, when asked if he ate his girl out, is shocked and freaked out at the idea of putting his mouth near a vagina. Because it is a Tarantino film—that guy gets blown away right then and there. Of course, we don't recommend the same handling of any sexual incompatibility. Rather, sit him down in a nonsexual moment and address the issue frankly.

First, ask him what he does like.

Second, sell it. Don't hold back from telling him what other men have said they tasted of you. Tangy, sweet? If so, prove it: during sex—touch yourself and let him taste you on your fingers. Taste yourself, too—to show him how much you like the taste.

Finally, help him learn more about oral sex in a non-serious way. Diffuse the situation. Sure he'll laugh, but pull out The Joy of Sex after a few glasses of wine some night when he stays over at your place. It's hilarious fun—and surprisingly educational. He may learn that many men who only like vagina when they are experiencing pleasure through their penis learn that they live for cunnilingus during fellatio. The 69 position is a great gateway for vagina-shy men to discover what so many women, and men, love so much when they go down.

Key Tip: For many men, the vagina is a complex place. Teach him everything about it in whatever language he will understand. Find out sooner rather than later if you are sexually incompatible through honest judgement-free communication.—N.B.

Photograph by Martin Kovalack

Hot for teacher. "Ok, I've been wanting to get this off of my chest, or perhaps brag about it, for years. For over a decade in fact. When I was a student in a Swiss boarding school, I was much taller than all of my peers, always perceived as older, and one of only a few Americans on campus. All of the teachers there were young 20-something year olds from the States, working hard, but who also knew they had hit the big time by landing these teaching spots at such a prestigious institution.

The newer, and younger, teachers lived on campus and served as Prefects for the dormitories, usually living in the first room on the bottom floor of each villa. It was a coed school—the girls on one side of the campus, and the boys on the other. The classes were mixed—and to be honest, there was an enormous amount of hooking up.

It was assumed that we were high net worth children thus 'civilized,' so the supervision of us was quite lax. But it wasn't the other female students that the uptight European administration had to worry about—it was their very own staff they should have been watching.

Luckily for me, they weren't watching.

For my entire four years as a student in this wondrous southern Swiss-Italian town, I would lay in bed and wait for my roommate to fall asleep, then quietly sneak downstairs, go outside, and climb over the fence to the girl's side of the campus where my mistress and Algebra teacher, Palomina, lay waiting for me once a week. We risked everything carrying on as we did—her career, and my academic status (my family would have killed me had I been expelled from this school that ultimately was instrumental in getting me accepted into an Ivy League university).

But when I think back to my Switzerland days, I have the hottest memory of what were my first ever smells and tastes and intimate feelings of a woman. She will live in my soul forever—I will always be in love with her in some way in that teenage way.

Thankful, too.

One day, maybe I'll be able to deliver just one more apple."—Richard, R. Boston, MA

The pressure of speculation around your sexuality and a woman you spend time with is getting to you. You're over it. Now what?

Q: "I live and work in a very conservative suburb and the big rumor is that I am a lesbian and intimate with my closest girlfriend. Thing is, it's not a rumor; we became intimate a year ago and have secretly been lovers. I don't feel the people around me deserve to know anything about my private life—but they seem to think they do with their constant questions. I am not a closet case by any means, but I am also starting to cave under the pressure of the speculations. What the hell should I do about this?"—Megan R., Iowa City

A: Rumors often trigger an odd kind of feeding frenzy where sexuality is the topic. Is she, isn't she; are they, aren't they? The truth is, the facts about your sexuality—gay, bi or straight—are not the property of anyone else but you and your partner. And the best way to come out is to just be out without any big pronouncements. However, in certain communities, or within professional circles (trust me, I know), there is a way to get ahead of the story.

First, deny nothing, but don't give away anything. When you hear about how it is rumored that you have secretly been seeing your friend, rather than deny it, trump it by shooting back how lucky you would be if that were the case.

Second, for the more rude and demanding people who may approach you, and these are the annoying ones, rather than be stunned or put on the spot, laugh them away by shooting back to the straight women, "Why? Are you saying you're interested in me if I'm not seeing her?" and to the straight men, "Why the interest in us two girls, wife not giving it up anymore darlin?"

If things persist and continue to annoy you, disrupt everyone's comfort level by just showing up to the local coffee shop, grocery store, church or PTA meeting dripping in public displays of affection with your new hot babe of a girlfriend. It'll shut them right up.

Key tip: Offense, not defense.