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Straight, Gay, or Bi, Neal Boulton's BastardLife.com is the only online sex & relationships magazine for all of us.

Downsizing the Date

Whether the economy continues to flip to looking better, or flop back to being poor, you can count on BastardLife readers continuing to get creative about the way they date.

"I still have enough money to date lavishly, but I don't because I'm being more cautious with my money," Michael R., of Boston told us. "Oddly, with frugalness has come more sex. I used to spend just a bit more if I were treating a date who sent me those signals that the night would end in either her or my bed. Lately though, I've realized that by having her over to my place for a meal that I make myself has netted far more intimate times than my platinum American Express card was netting. Why? We often end up cooking together with wine glasses that never seem to go empty. We sit on the floor with a movie while we eat in the glow of the TV. We sit closer and we intermittedly makeout. We wouldn't at a resteraunt. We feed each other in ways we'd be embarrased to with friends around who'd roll their eyes. We strip down and go down on each other—well before finsihing our first course. We fuck before desert. We eat again during sex breaks. We laugh at the mess of dishes neither one of us could care less about in the morning before dressing with naughty grins for work. 'You were dinner,' I tell her. 'Was I good?' she asks. 'The best sushi I've ever eaten,' I say before we kiss goodbye, hoping to do again another night soon."

It's a lie that money can't buy you love. It can. That kind of love that has very little intimacy. This is why, according to our readers, sometimes downsizing the date can draw couples closer, making a boring night in a lot more sexually interesting.—N.B.

By Neal Boulton at 7:50AM on July 16, 2014


You're married, but you've been flirting with her for years. She's only just put two and two together. Now you're on for a sleep over this Saturday night. Only problem? You've never made love to a woman. Now what?

Q: I don't care what happens to my marriage at this point—I'm a lesbian. (It feels good finally saying that). The woman I work with at the department store has finally put it together that I'm not just being nice, that I want her. But I'm very nervous now because she's invited me over Saturday night. We have this energy together and I know it will lead to the bedroom. But I've never actually done anything about my sexuality. How do I fake my way through my first time with a woman, and this new life?—Patty R., Wilmington, DE

A: You've just come out and not only do you deserve praise, you deserve her. First, communication is the key to success in the bedroom—and pleasure. Be up front with her. Have a sense of humor about it. Celebrate it. Yes! It's your first time. What you'll be amazed by is how naturally you gravitate to what feels right, what you've always wanted in the first place, and what you finally had the courage to give yourself. Second, be honest with your husband. Clearing the cob webs from all of the attic's dark corners will free you even more to explore your sexuality. Explain to him where you stand—at any cost. Doing so will clear the kind of baggage that could ultimately prevent you from walking down your new path with a level head.

Key Tip: Making love for the first time has very little to do with sex and more to do with celebrating who you are. Use this first time as a cornerstone for your new life of honesty.—C.D.

By Neal Boulton at 7:50AM on July 16, 2014

Redefining Unsafe Sex

Neal Boulton

You like meeting guys online and having Facetime sex, but the hotter it gets on your iPhone, the more you want to break the barrier and meet him in person—is that unsafe sex?

Q: He has Facetime and I have Facetime. And after we find each other through a hook up site, we watch each other do things. He asks for this, I ask for that—just as long as we both cum at the same time. I live in West Hollywood and so do most of my online tricks—a place where when some nasty STD is going around it's easy to get it even if you're having safe intercourse sex. Why, despite that, do I want to step out of the Facetime screen and hook up in person, regardless of the so called dangers?—Jason T., LA

A: It's an obvious observation: progress can be good and progress can be bad. Facetime can make digital hookups instant and hot; the more we see of him, and the easier it is to interact with him, the more we want him in our bed—now. But does this updated version of phone sex motivate us to have unsafe sex?

Thomas M., of Atlanta told BastardLife, "Safe sex is a concept that precedes condom use to prevent the spread of AIDS. It was something you practiced when you climbed into the trucks by the piers in New York City in the 1970s to have sex. The term safe sex wasn't used, nor were condoms, but you told your friends to be safe out there from getting robbed, hassled, or beaten up. It was something you told a buddy who was heading to his favorite bar to pick up a trick so he'd actually make it home that night. Fast forward to 2014, a time when so much has changed, but then again nothing really has at all—because now, when a friend of mine who I know hooks up with strangers online, I tell him to be careful, to be safe so that he isn't murdered. I also tell him not just to be safe because of HIV, but because a lot of STDs that won't kill you will make you miserable either for the rest of your life or until you get the meds to clear them up." 

"Safe sex comes in many forms in my life," George W., from Houston said. "I follow all of the basic rules: using condoms and avoiding fluids (I know Truvada is taking the gay world by storm, but there are many hideous side effects that come with it and many more STDs out there other than just HIV). The old creepy sex hookup movie In Search of Mr. Goodbar comes to mind when I think about going home with strangers because it is a given that men lie about themselves with staggering regularity online and off. I don't care how OK it is within the gay community to hook up with people they don't know, I have evolved, I now get just how dangerous going home with a stranger from an iPhone APP, web site, or bar really is. And by dangerous, yes, I mean not safe. As in unsafe."

Key Tip: Only you can define what the safe rules are in your sex life. If you regularly break those rules—don't ignore it.

By Neal Boulton at 7:48PM on June 01, 2014

Loveless Sex?

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go it's pretty damn good."

Woody Allen

By Neal Boulton at 5:41PM on May 16, 2014

Flab Abs

Neal Boulton

In a BastardLife poll of 5,129 men, 27% told us to hold the abs—they preferred guys with flab. 

Jeremy from Dallas said, "Most gay men don't look like the men on the cover of magazines. We're men—we like junk food, watching TV and having a few beers. It's the same for women, few come close to the images on the covers of their magazines either. No, my husband and I aren't bears, or twinks, or chubby chasers. We're not a label; we're men who fell in love with each other and who make love without worrying about age or pounds. Besides, I'm not one for skinny guys—I like holding on to something. I like the heft of a man with some extra meat on him."

"You haven't lived until you've been with a heavy-set man," Thomas of Miami told us. "I never sought out thin guys because that's just what's around here. But I hooked up with a guy with a big perfect cock who was really heavy. I was so horny, I went for it. We sixty-nined and at one point right about the time we were both going to climax he was on top. During my orgasm I just wrapped my arms around him and grabbed and pulled on his extra weight. It was hot just having so much man. I'd do a larger guy any day after that experience."

A small percentage of you said it was six, ok maybe four, abs or you'd walk, but something tells us that there may be something you're missing with that criteria.—N.B.

By Neal Boulton at 6:49PM on May 13, 2014

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