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Straight, Gay, or Bi, Neal Boulton's BastardLife.com is the only online sex & relationships magazine for all of us.


You're married, but you've been flirting with her for years. She's only just put two and two together. Now you're on for a sleep over this Saturday night. Only problem? You've never made love to a woman. Now what?

Q: I don't care what happens to my marriage at this point—I'm a lesbian. (It feels good finally saying that). The woman I work with at the department store has finally put it together that I'm not just being nice, that I want her. But I'm very nervous now because she's invited me over Saturday night. We have this energy together and I know it will lead to the bedroom. But I've never actually done anything about my sexuality. How do I fake my way through my first time with a woman, and this new life?—Patty R., Wilmington, DE

A: You've just come out and not only do you deserve praise, you deserve her. First, communication is the key to success in the bedroom—and pleasure. Be up front with her. Have a sense of humor about it. Celebrate it. Yes! It's your first time. What you'll be amazed by is how naturally you gravitate to what feels right, what you've always wanted in the first place, and what you finally had the courage to give yourself. Second, be honest with your husband. Clearing the cob webs from all of the attic's dark corners will free you even more to explore your sexuality. Explain to him where you stand—at any cost. Doing so will clear the kind of baggage that could ultimately prevent you from walking down your new path with a level head.

Key Tip: Making love for the first time has very little to do with sex and more to do with celebrating who you are. Use this first time as a cornerstone for your new life of honesty.—C.D.

By Neal Boulton at 12:35AM on December 21, 2013

Downsizing the Date

Whether the economy continues to flip to looking better, or flop back to being poor, you can count on BastardLife readers continuing to get creative about the way they date.

"I still have enough money to date lavishly, but I don't because I'm being more cautious with my money," Michael R., of Boston told us. "Oddly, with frugalness has come more sex. I used to spend just a bit more if I were treating a date who sent me those signals that the night would end in either her or my bed. Lately though, I've realized that by having her over to my place for a meal that I make myself has netted far more intimate times than my platinum American Express card was netting. Why? We often end up cooking together with wine glasses that never seem to go empty. We sit on the floor with a movie while we eat in the glow of the TV. We sit closer and we intermittedly makeout. We wouldn't at a resteraunt. We feed each other in ways we'd be embarrased to with friends around who'd roll their eyes. We strip down and go down on each other—well before finsihing our first course. We fuck before desert. We eat again during sex breaks. We laugh at the mess of dishes neither one of us could care less about in the morning before dressing with naughty grins for work. 'You were dinner,' I tell her. 'Was I good?' she asks. 'The best sushi I've ever eaten,' I say before we kiss goodbye, hoping to do again another night soon."

It's a lie that money can't buy you love. It can. That kind of love that has very little intimacy. This is why, according to our readers, sometimes downsizing the date can draw couples closer, making a boring night in a lot more sexually interesting.—N.B.

By Neal Boulton at 12:33AM on December 21, 2013

The Second Coming Out

The stigma of being bisexual made me do something strange: Lie that I was gay. As in, I've cheated on every boyfriend I've ever had with women. I finally came out—for the second time—only as bi after I met the woman I fell in love with. She and I have a fun open relationship, she with women from time to time, me with men from time to time. We love how it confuses everyone—but us..."

Stephano T., Turin, Italy

By Neal Boulton at 8:56PM on November 17, 2013

Toxic Teachings

Neal Boulton

Excessive alcohol use has long been recognised as one cause of impotence, leading to the euphemism brewer's droop. Shakespeare even made light of this phenomenon in Macbeth, the play he wrote in the early 1600s. 

"It makes me horny," George from Baltimore told BastardLife, "but it doesn't help me in bed. There have even been times I literally can't get it up after too much beer and too many shots—even though I wasn't what I would consider drunk."

Judging from a poll of 4,129 BastardLife readers, it seems George is not alone. 43% of you told us that too much beer, or wine, or liquor and you either had a hard time maintaining an erection, or climaxing—or you couldn't do either.

27% of you told us that it hardly effected you when you were in your twenties, but that as you got older, it began to effect you more.

"When I was 28 or 29, I never paid any attention to how much I'd had to drink before sex," Eric of Seattle said, "but now that I'm in my forties, if I drink hard there is no way I'm going to be as hard as I want to be."

If only we had heeded Shakespear's advice when he wrote, "It provokes the desire, but it takes away the performance."—N.B.

By Neal Boulton at 11:09AM on November 07, 2013

Milk Me

Mother Loads. "My partner and I are monogamous," Richard, a blond and chiseled Winklevoss-esque looking man in form-fitting Abercrombie & Fitch summer attire said as he drove me past his childhood home in Asbury Park, NJ. Pointing out of his window, he adds, "The blue house was mine. My room was that one on the top floor."

Karl, his nearly identical twin and partner of six years is sitting quietly in the passenger seat when he turns back to me and says, "We get tested regularly and are HIV negative. He's a top, I'm a bottom. It's always been that way."

"Despite that," Richard adds, talking to my reflection in his review mirror, "I use a condom when we fuck. But not because of safe sex or anything, it's because I have such a tremendous load when I cum that he says it takes hours for all of it come out of him after sex."

"I'll be sitting and watching television a few hours later," Karl says, "or even the next morning while I'm getting dressed for work and he's still seeping out of me."

"When I cum," Richard grins, "I shoot so hard I can feel the condom tip about to explode. It's wild."

"Well," Karl says later, hanging back a few steps as Richard leads us into the cafe where we'll have brunch, "he likes to brag about that. Luckily he can cum a few times a night. I give him one shot in my ass with a condom on, but the rest of those loads are for my mouth. And yeah, it's like drinking a tall glass of milk. All that's missing is the plate of homemade cookies my mother used to make."—K.R.

By Neal Boulton at 11:07AM on November 07, 2013

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