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Straight, Gay, or Bi, Neal Boulton's BastardLife.com is the only online sex & relationships magazine for all of us.

The Toothless Blowjob

Dental Damage. Like any other guy, I live for a good blowjob. Emphasis on "good." This is not the case with sex: I'll take bad sex over no sex. Why? There is no middle ground when talking cock sucking. That's because the mouth has two modes: lip mode and tooth mode. Each are separated by next to nothing—maybe one degree. That means that I love when your wet mouth wraps and glides and slides and sucks my penis, when I can feel your tongue working it. But I would rather walk away the moment your teeth start entering the picture. And ladies? They do—too often. Maybe you love the feeling of a penis inside your mouth so much that you forget to open your jaw just that one extra centimeter more. Whatever the reason, I can speak for all men when I beg you to think, not just about yourself, but us too. I speak for all men when I ask you for a toothless blowjob.—Stephan M., New York, NY

By Neal Boulton at 7:59PM on September 20, 2014

A New York State of Sex

Neal Boulton

I'll take the A train. I live in New York City, epicenter, I sometimes think, of anonymous sex. And when I feel the urge for some, I log on to one of my favorite hook up sites and, despite the fact that I prefer someone in or close to my neighborhood, I end up travelling at times far distances to get laid—usually because I am almost desperately horny.

And it is that almost desperately horny feeling that puts me in the same situation every time. 

What is that situation? Well, there are several of them actually. Here are a few: the men never look in person like they do in their little screen shots; the men lie about their age, and the men are never as endowed as they cite. Ok, those of us who do this often know these things regularly occur. But what also occurs is that the sex begins and ends in minutes, not hours or even half hours. There is never any chemistry (nor is chemistry expected), and even though I am a seasoned travel for sex guy—after I climax, I get that empty, almost depressed feeling about said empty sex.

Yes, when I get almost desperately horny I cave in and decide to hook up anonymously via the web. And yes, these encounters have their shortcomings. And yes, I often travel way out of my way to get laid. But the truth is, I'd have these same problems if the guys I met for sex where a flight of stairs below my apartment.—Terrance, NYC

By Neal Boulton at 7:56PM on September 20, 2014

How to Stop Fucking Women

Neal Boulton

It's a lost art: that of picking up a girl and not fucking her. BastardLife reader Dylan T., from New York City explains.

Julia, Stephany, and August were mulling around the bar shortly before last call. I knew none of these woman, but I knew I was taking home at least one of them. Knew, aka, hoped to. 

Like any woman at a bar giving off that I'm available vibe, she probably didn't have great expectations of the sex we'd have. But like me, she too would satisfy that urge that is hard to deny after enough time. For me, unusually, it had been a month since I had sex last.

Being in my early forties, but knowing I looked far younger, I laughed at how obviously the bar's lights were set on 'makeout low,' which seemed a bit high school for me. I also laughed because bar's music was clearly set to that high pitched level that made girls oblivious to their drunkenness until one of their girlfriends was holding back their hair in the girl's bathroom. 

I ignored all of it—I had my eyes on the three girls who kept flirting with me for another drink. I obliged every time, not to get them drunk, but to get me laid. August was my most frequent customer. I kept my eye on the clock, and the evolution of her buzz, which was going in my favor. That's when I just said it, "Come on, let me take you someplace else," while I sort of expression that we could do better than this loud, drunk bar.

Most women would have declined my outreached hand; the odds are always stacked against us, which is why we're thankful for that once a month girl who says, "Ok, yeah, let's leave." But when August also accepted the invitation to my apartment about a block and a half away, I knew the hunt was over.

In the elevator, I lived on the seventh floor, I was still holding her hand—and I pulled her closer so that I could kiss her. Another, "Yes." Given this, I kept on kissing her from the elevator to my hallway where I fumbled with my keys, making us both laugh as we tried to maintain our seven story lip lock. 

Inside my apartment I pushed her up against the wall to kiss her more; she pushed back, kissing me harder. We wasted no time falling into my bed and undressing. 

Ok, freeze the frame here: we're naked, on my bed—you know what's about to happen.

But do you? 

Gentlemen, we spend too much time trying to hook up. In my experience, that is wasted time, because if we follow a few old-school tips, tips that come from a couple of generations past, we could have more of what we want in bed and less time standing around in loud, drunk bars taking home sloppy chicks. The tips below were passed along to me from a guy almost twice my age. I use these tips and as a result I have the same girls(s) who want to see me in five different cities (I travel a lot for work). Each month I hit each of these five cities, and each month I have one or more girls who live there come to my hotel to see me. On average, that's 6 repeat girls a month—girls that like what I do, and how I do it—enough to keep coming around.

Here's what I learned:  

1. Use Your Mouth
Don't stop kissing her passionately. That means before, during, and especially for a good ten minutes after sex.

3. Use Your Hands
Caress (yes caress) her before, during, and after sex. Use the back of your fingers. Caress the curves of her breasts, the curves of her hips, her lips and cheeks and eyebrows, her inner thighs, and around her bellybutton. I'm not saying don't grip her like a man; do that, just make sure you touch her with tenderness, too.

4. Use Your Skills
Go down on her and apply pressure and movement slowly with you tongue, increasing intensity slowly as well. Bring her to orgasm this way, then and only then, begin intercourse.

5. Use Your Cock
During intercourse, focus on what speeds and positions she likes. Pay close attention—if she likes it fast and hard, deliver; if she likes it slow, deliver. I once had a girl who only wanted me to push in deep, then deeper, then as deep in as I could. Then she'd ask me to hold it there, as deep in as I could. She'd ask me to hold it there until she came, which was fast if I did what she wanted. As she was about to finish cumming, I'd pull out and go back in again at my own speed until I'd cum, too. 

6. Use Your Control
Make sure she cums before you do; this kind of sex is about her, not you if you want her to come back for more.

7. Use Her iTunes
But what's the absolutely best way to insure she's a return customer? Do all of the above—to music. Use her iTunes play list, or yours. It's an oldschool trick, but it works—whether it's from a record, an 8-track, a cassette, CD or iTune. Music (that she likes), will transform love making into something far more memorable than just fucking without it?

No matter what I call it: art, skill, or god given talent, there are certain things a woman wants in order for her to return to my bed. The difference between me being a guy or me being a man has been my mastery of those things she wants. As for August, she was amazing, but so was I—each time she and I were together for the months that followed.—N.B.

By Neal Boulton at 7:55PM on September 20, 2014

The Second Coming Out

The stigma of being bisexual made me do something strange: Lie that I was gay. Truth is, I've cheated on every boyfriend I've ever had with women. I finally came out—for the second time—only as bi, after I met the woman I fell in love with. She and I have a fun open relationship, she with women from time to time, me with men from time to time. We love how it confuses everyone—but us..."

Stephano T., Turin, Italy

By Neal Boulton at 7:53AM on July 16, 2014

Toxic Teachings

Neal Boulton

Excessive alcohol use has long been recognised as one cause of impotence, leading to the euphemism brewer's droop. Shakespeare even made light of this phenomenon in Macbeth, the play he wrote in the early 1600s. 

"It makes me horny," George from Baltimore told BastardLife, "but it doesn't help me in bed. There have even been times I literally can't get it up after too much beer and too many shots—even though I wasn't what I would consider drunk."

Judging from a poll of 4,129 BastardLife readers, it seems George is not alone. 43% of you told us that too much beer, or wine, or liquor and you either had a hard time maintaining an erection, or climaxing—or you couldn't do either.

27% of you told us that it hardly effected you when you were in your twenties, but that as you got older, it began to effect you more.

"When I was 28 or 29, I never paid any attention to how much I'd had to drink before sex," Eric of Seattle said, "but now that I'm in my forties, if I drink hard there is no way I'm going to be as hard as I want to be."

If only we had heeded Shakespear's advice when he wrote, "It provokes the desire, but it takes away the performance."—N.B.

By Neal Boulton at 7:51AM on July 16, 2014

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