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Straight, Gay, or Bi, Neal Boulton's BastardLife.com is the only online sex & relationships magazine for all of us.

How to Stop Fucking Women

Neal Boulton

It's a lost art: that of picking up a girl and not fucking her. BastardLife reader Dylan T., from New York City explains.

Julia, Stephany, and August were mulling around the bar shortly before last call. I knew none of these woman, but I knew I was taking home at least one of them. Knew, aka, hoped to. 

Like any woman at a bar giving off that I'm available vibe, she probably didn't have great expectations of the sex we'd have. But like me, she too would satisfy that urge that is hard to deny after enough time. For me, unusually, it had been a month since I had sex last.

Being in my early forties, but knowing I looked far younger, I laughed at how obviously the bar's lights were set on 'makeout low,' which seemed a bit high school for me. I also laughed because bar's music was clearly set to that high pitched level that made girls oblivious to their drunkenness until one of their girlfriends was holding back their hair in the girl's bathroom. 

I ignored all of it—I had my eyes on the three girls who kept flirting with me for another drink. I obliged every time, not to get them drunk, but to get me laid. August was my most frequent customer. I kept my eye on the clock, and the evolution of her buzz, which was going in my favor. That's when I just said it, "Come on, let me take you someplace else," while I sort of expression that we could do better than this loud, drunk bar.

Most women would have declined my outreached hand; the odds are always stacked against us, which is why we're thankful for that once a month girl who says, "Ok, yeah, let's leave." But when August also accepted the invitation to my apartment about a block and a half away, I knew the hunt was over.

In the elevator, I lived on the seventh floor, I was still holding her hand—and I pulled her closer so that I could kiss her. Another, "Yes." Given this, I kept on kissing her from the elevator to my hallway where I fumbled with my keys, making us both laugh as we tried to maintain our seven story lip lock. 

Inside my apartment I pushed her up against the wall to kiss her more; she pushed back, kissing me harder. We wasted no time falling into my bed and undressing. 

Ok, freeze the frame here: we're naked, on my bed—you know what's about to happen.

But do you? 

Gentlemen, we spend too much time trying to hook up. In my experience, that is wasted time, because if we follow a few old-school tips, tips that come from a couple of generations past, we could have more of what we want in bed and less time standing around in loud, drunk bars taking home sloppy chicks. The tips below were passed along to me from a guy almost twice my age. I use these tips and as a result I have the same girls(s) who want to see me in five different cities (I travel a lot for work). Each month I hit each of these five cities, and each month I have one or more girls who live there come to my hotel to see me. On average, that's 6 repeat girls a month—girls that like what I do, and how I do it—enough to keep coming around.

Here's what I learned:  

1. Use Your Mouth
Don't stop kissing her passionately. That means before, during, and especially for a good ten minutes after sex.

3. Use Your Hands
Caress (yes caress) her before, during, and after sex. Use the back of your fingers. Caress the curves of her breasts, the curves of her hips, her lips and cheeks and eyebrows, her inner thighs, and around her bellybutton. I'm not saying don't grip her like a man; do that, just make sure you touch her with tenderness, too.

4. Use Your Skills
Go down on her and apply pressure and movement slowly with you tongue, increasing intensity slowly as well. Bring her to orgasm this way, then and only then, begin intercourse.

5. Use Your Cock
During intercourse, focus on what speeds and positions she likes. Pay close attention—if she likes it fast and hard, deliver; if she likes it slow, deliver. I once had a girl who only wanted me to push in deep, then deeper, then as deep in as I could. Then she'd ask me to hold it there, as deep in as I could. She'd ask me to hold it there until she came, which was fast if I did what she wanted. As she was about to finish cumming, I'd pull out and go back in again at my own speed until I'd cum, too. 

6. Use Your Control
Make sure she cums before you do; this kind of sex is about her, not you if you want her to come back for more.

7. Use Her iTunes
But what's the absolutely best way to insure she's a return customer? Do all of the above—to music. Use her iTunes play list, or yours. It's an oldschool trick, but it works—whether it's from a record, an 8-track, a cassette, CD or iTune. Music (that she likes), will transform love making into something far more memorable than just fucking without it?

No matter what I call it: art, skill, or god given talent, there are certain things a woman wants in order for her to return to my bed. The difference between me being a guy or me being a man has been my mastery of those things she wants. As for August, she was amazing, but so was I—each time she and I were together for the months that followed.—N.B.

By Neal Boulton at 7:55PM on September 20, 2014

The Second Coming Out

The stigma of being bisexual made me do something strange: Lie that I was gay. Truth is, I've cheated on every boyfriend I've ever had with women. I finally came out—for the second time—only as bi, after I met the woman I fell in love with. She and I have a fun open relationship, she with women from time to time, me with men from time to time. We love how it confuses everyone—but us..."

Stephano T., Turin, Italy

By Neal Boulton at 7:53AM on July 16, 2014

Toxic Teachings

Neal Boulton

Excessive alcohol use has long been recognised as one cause of impotence, leading to the euphemism brewer's droop. Shakespeare even made light of this phenomenon in Macbeth, the play he wrote in the early 1600s. 

"It makes me horny," George from Baltimore told BastardLife, "but it doesn't help me in bed. There have even been times I literally can't get it up after too much beer and too many shots—even though I wasn't what I would consider drunk."

Judging from a poll of 4,129 BastardLife readers, it seems George is not alone. 43% of you told us that too much beer, or wine, or liquor and you either had a hard time maintaining an erection, or climaxing—or you couldn't do either.

27% of you told us that it hardly effected you when you were in your twenties, but that as you got older, it began to effect you more.

"When I was 28 or 29, I never paid any attention to how much I'd had to drink before sex," Eric of Seattle said, "but now that I'm in my forties, if I drink hard there is no way I'm going to be as hard as I want to be."

If only we had heeded Shakespear's advice when he wrote, "It provokes the desire, but it takes away the performance."—N.B.

By Neal Boulton at 7:51AM on July 16, 2014

Downsizing the Date

Whether the economy continues to flip to looking better, or flop back to being poor, you can count on BastardLife readers continuing to get creative about the way they date.

"I still have enough money to date lavishly, but I don't because I'm being more cautious with my money," Michael R., of Boston told us. "Oddly, with frugalness has come more sex. I used to spend just a bit more if I were treating a date who sent me those signals that the night would end in either her or my bed. Lately though, I've realized that by having her over to my place for a meal that I make myself has netted far more intimate times than my platinum American Express card was netting. Why? We often end up cooking together with wine glasses that never seem to go empty. We sit on the floor with a movie while we eat in the glow of the TV. We sit closer and we intermittedly makeout. We wouldn't at a resteraunt. We feed each other in ways we'd be embarrased to with friends around who'd roll their eyes. We strip down and go down on each other—well before finsihing our first course. We fuck before desert. We eat again during sex breaks. We laugh at the mess of dishes neither one of us could care less about in the morning before dressing with naughty grins for work. 'You were dinner,' I tell her. 'Was I good?' she asks. 'The best sushi I've ever eaten,' I say before we kiss goodbye, hoping to do again another night soon."

It's a lie that money can't buy you love. It can. That kind of love that has very little intimacy. This is why, according to our readers, sometimes downsizing the date can draw couples closer, making a boring night in a lot more sexually interesting.—N.B.

By Neal Boulton at 7:50AM on July 16, 2014


You're married, but you've been flirting with her for years. She's only just put two and two together. Now you're on for a sleep over this Saturday night. Only problem? You've never made love to a woman. Now what?

Q: I don't care what happens to my marriage at this point—I'm a lesbian. (It feels good finally saying that). The woman I work with at the department store has finally put it together that I'm not just being nice, that I want her. But I'm very nervous now because she's invited me over Saturday night. We have this energy together and I know it will lead to the bedroom. But I've never actually done anything about my sexuality. How do I fake my way through my first time with a woman, and this new life?—Patty R., Wilmington, DE

A: You've just come out and not only do you deserve praise, you deserve her. First, communication is the key to success in the bedroom—and pleasure. Be up front with her. Have a sense of humor about it. Celebrate it. Yes! It's your first time. What you'll be amazed by is how naturally you gravitate to what feels right, what you've always wanted in the first place, and what you finally had the courage to give yourself. Second, be honest with your husband. Clearing the cob webs from all of the attic's dark corners will free you even more to explore your sexuality. Explain to him where you stand—at any cost. Doing so will clear the kind of baggage that could ultimately prevent you from walking down your new path with a level head.

Key Tip: Making love for the first time has very little to do with sex and more to do with celebrating who you are. Use this first time as a cornerstone for your new life of honesty.—C.D.

By Neal Boulton at 7:50AM on July 16, 2014

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